Category: Humor (Page 64 of 86)

Inside the mind of Rick Reilly

In an interview with Newsday.com, Rick Reilly discussed a number of different topics, including how he feels about sports blogs and his relationship with Bill Simmons.

“I don’t really go on the blogs, because they don’t really like anybody. Jesus could do a column and they’d be like, ‘What the hell is with the hair?’ It’ll always be something. Charles Barkley told me a long time ago always half the people are going to hate you and half the people are going to love you. If you suddenly change who you are, the other half will hate you. I don’t really care what people holding down couch springs do or say.”

I get it now. So since he has read some negative stuff on the blogs about his writing, bloggers must dislike everything. That makes perfect sense. Rick might want to consider that bloggers are just a subsection of his audience that actually has time to write about what they like and don’t like. Sure, there are blogs out there that just throw mud at everyone, but here at The Scores Report, there are writers we like and writers we don’t like.

He commented on his (outrageous) salary…

“I didn’t put out the salary. I certainly didn’t want it out there and I think a lot of times people are just like, ‘Oh, screw him.’ I hear that with athletes all the time. ‘Screw them, they’re making so much money.’ Well, that’s what the owners are paying. The free market is allowing that. You’re going to hate the guy because someone is paying him?”

As I said in my post about Jim Calhoun’s press conference tirade, this is America…we don’t begrudge anyone for making a lot of money if they are really good at what they do. How does this relate to Reilly? Well, there are a lot of people out there that are bored/irked by a vast majority of his columns (myself included) and are insulted by the salary that ESPN decided to pay him. Was $2 million per year too much to pay for Reilly’s columns? You be the judge.

I think he’s good with the sentimental stuff, but once he gets out of his wheelhouse, it’s a train wreck.

He commented on his relationship with Bill Simmons and the rumors that the two don’t get along…

“Where do they get this stuff? I get along with him. I think he’s funny. I think he’s a great turner of phrases. I’ve tried to learn from him how he builds an audience on the Internet. He definitely has that new blogger style where you write in stream of consciousness style, a lot of parentheses, a lot of tangents, and that’s not the way I was raised.

“My whole thing was hey, you’ve got 800 words, choose them wisely. Pick the exact word you want and don’t waste a word and kill your darlings even if you love them, that it’s got to fit. He comes from a whole different era where it doesn’t have to fit. He can go on for 7,000 words if he wants. My kids read him.

“I don’t know how that whole thing started. Every time I see him he’s great.”

Reilly may just be highlighting the differences in style, but Simmons does have to keep the word count down when he writes for ESPN The Mag, and those columns are just as entertaining as his 7,000 word opuses. Simmons doesn’t always know what he’s talking about, but he is always funny, whether he’s right or wrong.

Reilly does deserve credit for starting his Nothing But Nets campaign which raises money to buy mosquito nets for Africans to protect them from malaria.

“Even sports fans can figure this out. Ten dollars puts a net over a couple of kids who are not going to die of malaria. They sleep under the net from 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. when the mosquitoes are out. That’s about 2.3 million nets, and it just keeps growing . . . People are so generous. It’s slowed a little in the recession but it’s still going strong.

“I think we helped people realize, you mean we can wipe out malaria with these nets, and it’s not going to wipe out vegetation and no one has to take a pill and no trucks are going to get hi-jacked? No one can use the nets for anything but this.”

A worthy cause, for sure.

What kind of rookie season is Michael Beasley having?

One thing that struck me about Bill Simmons’ trade value column was his unabashed hatred for Michael Beasley’s game. He made three separate references to the rookie:

Jason Thompson: I mocked him on draft day and he shoved it in my face like a cream pie. Top-notch energy guy, good defender, lots to like. You know, if Michael Beasley wasn’t such a colossal disappointment and semi-fraud, the 2008 draft could have ranked among the best ever (and certainly superior to the more ballyhooed ’07 class).

Colossal disappointment? Semi-fraud? Ouch.

Jeff Green: Great teammate, tough as nails, gives a crap, does whatever you need. He’s the anti-Beasley.

So Simmons is saying that Beasley is not a good teammate, isn’t tough, doesn’t give a crap and won’t do whatever you need? Ouch.

You have to love a country where Love’s best rookie card (Upper Deck’s ’09 SPX set, the signed autographed jersey card) goes for one-eighth the money of Beasley’s card … and yet, Miami could offer Beasley for Love right now and Minnesota would make a face and hang up. Whatever.

Ouch.

All right, so how is Beasley faring this season? Here are his numbers:

24.2 mpg, 13.1 ppg, 5.1 rpg, 0.9 apg, 45% FG%, 39% 3PT

All of that combines for a PER of 15.34, which is #36 amongst power fowards. Not great, but since 15.00 is average, at least he’s above average.

Simmons looooooooooves Durant, and for good reason. The guy is playing great in his second season. But how did he fare in his rookie season?

34.6 mpg, 20.3 ppg, 4.4 rpg, 2.4 apg, 43% FG%, 29% 3PT

Hmm. That adds up to a PER of 15.87.

All right, so I think it’s fairly clear that statistically speaking, Beasley’s rookie year, on a per-minute basis, is comparable with Durant’s. It’s unfair to write him off as a “colossal disappointment” — he still projects to be a very good player. Had he been thrown to the wolves (like Durant was) and allowed to take 17.1 shots per game (instead of his current average of 11.6), I really think Beasley would be able to score 20+ a game too.

Since he can’t be speaking in quantitative terms, Simmons hatred must be qualitative. I’ll admit that I haven’t seen enough of Beasley in the NBA to say that he isn’t tough, is a poor teammate and doesn’t care. Are there any Heat fans out there who want to chime in about how they feel about their rookie right now?

Bill Simmons’ trade value column

Yes, it’s 12 days old and the trade deadline has passed, but if you haven’t had the chance to check out his annual trade value opus, it’s a good read. He ranks the top 40 players by total trade value (i.e. age, upside, salary, talent, etc.). Here’s what he has to say about Tim Duncan:

4. Tim Duncan
His finishes in the Trade Value column since 2001: No. 2, No. 3, No. 1, No. 2, No. 1, No. 3, No. 3, No. 4. Uncanny. Speaking of consistency, check out his 12 regular seasons (including this one) split into groups of three seasons …

Duncan (first three years): 22-12-3, 52 percent FG, missed eight games.

Duncan (next three years): 23-13-4, 51 percent FG, missed eight games.

Duncan (next three years): 21-12-3, 50 percent FG, missed 31 games.

Duncan (last three years): 20-11-3, 52 percent FG, missed five games.

Then, remember that he also played 155 playoff games and averaged a 23-13-4 with 50 percent shooting, plus first-class defense and leadership. And sprinkle in the little fact that no Duncan team has ever lost even 30 games in a regular season. Translation: Greatest power forward ever, most consistent superstar ever and you cannot sleep on him in May and June.

I do take issue with a few of his rankings…

Yao at #7? Too injury prone.
KG ahead of Deron Williams? Garnett is too old.
Nash at #23 (ahead of Rondo, Devin Harris, Mayo, Kevin Martin)? Seems awfully high for a 35 year-old.

There are a few others, but I’m not going to nitpick.

Correcting Rick Reilly, Part 2: Rick wants coaches to show less class

Every issue of ESPN The Magazine ends the same way. I absolutely dread flipping to Rick Reilly’s back page column because it usually throws me into a state of depression. I can’t believe that ESPN is paying Reilly what they are when the guy can only produce a good, entertaining column once in a blue moon.

Reilly’s column for the Feb. 23 issue is no different. He starts off with a bad joke.

I’ve been fired more than pottery.

Ugh.

Hey, at least he didn’t shoehorn in some stale pop culture reference. I’ll give him that.

He then runs down his personal employment history, or at least those jobs that didn’t end well.

I was fired from my first job at 12. Some people apparently don’t want their tulips mowed. I was fired from my babysitting gig at 13. Who knew a diaper wouldn’t completely flush? Got fired as a machine/tool rental store assistant at 16. Thought the boss said, “Fifteen parts oil, one part gas in the jackhammers.” Turns out, it was the other way around. Pick-ee.

And how did I react whenever I got canned? Not well. Once, my pals and I egged the offending organization’s window front.

So he performs horribly at his job and reacts to getting fired by vandalizing his ex-employee’s place of business? Nice.

He then goes on about how coaches are too nice after they’ve been fired.

Most of these guys didn’t even deserve to lose their jobs, and they’re acting like they just got handed a freaking fruit basket. Me? I’d go triple Sean Penn! I’d scream! I’d sue! I’d tear paintings off walls! I’d race into the GM’s office and spit on his wife’s photo! I’d snatch the owner’s toupee and set it on fire!

But listen to Tommy Tuberville. He was forced out of Auburn with an 85–40 record in 10 seasons, including seven wins against Alabama. Afterward, he issued a statement that read: “I’m going to remain in Auburn and help the Auburn family however I can.”

If I went 85–40 and got axed, this would be my statement: I’m going to remain in Auburn and watch mailmen deliver the $10,000 of porn I’ve ordered on your Visas to all of your homes. You’re going to regret this until three weeks after you croak. And just try to mess with my pension. I have the Christmas-party video.

Or listen to Edwards. After the season, the Chiefs left Edwards twisting in the wind for a month before letting him go. How did Edwards take it? “I respect the tough decision that was made,” he said in a statement. “I wish the organization the very best.”

Herm, you FIGHT to KEEP your JOB!

Now he dishes out advice for those coaches that have been axed.

The American way is to do what dump truck driver Julian Burnett of Orange County, Fla., did when he was fired last year by his boss, who also happened to be his sister. He drove that dump truck straight up his sister’s driveway and through her garage, which just happened to contain her BMW. Ooh, my bad, sis. You won’t tell Mom, right?

Great example you’re setting there, Rick.

Now he’s going to call out Mike Shanahan…

Of all of them, it’s Shanahan’s reaction that most flummoxes me. He was fired by a guy who is practically his best friend, Pat Bowlen, after a year in which he lost seven—seven!—running backs to injuries…And get this: Shanahan got pink-slipped while he was in the middle of building a 35,000-square-foot home and a new restaurant. Thanks, buddy!

So owners can’t fire coaches if they are building a home or a new restaurant? I’m confused.

But does Shanahan nail Bowlen’s door shut? Spray paint his polo ponies? Snap all his Pings? No, he gets up at the press conference and calls Bowlen “the best owner in sports,” and adds he probably had it coming. “Your job is to win championships, and we have not won a championship in a while.”

First thing I’d do? Tie Bowlen’s tongue in a knot. Then I’d e-mail every suspicious looking picture I had of him to TMZ. Then I’d threaten to tell the media all the secrets I knew. Actually, who needs the media? Shanahan just bought a piece of The Denver Post’s old printing press. You’re going to fire a guy with his own printing press?

Or how about this, Mike? Your new house is only a three-minute drive from Bowlen’s, right? Get yourself a massive catapult.

And a whole lot of eggs.

All right, so Rick’s advice to people when they get fired (for just cause or not) is to freak out. Some might write this whole column off as one big joke, but if that’s the case, I just don’t get the humor. He seems to be serious when he talks about how frustrated he is with the way coaches handle being fired.

It’s called class. If a coach freaks out after the decision has been made to fire him, it’s only going to make him look like an ass. He still has a career to think about. Is he more or less likely to get another head coaching job if he acts like a petulant child? Why would an owner want to hire a guy who is mentally unhinged (or, at the very least, can’t handle adversity) to run his football team?

I can hear the phone conversation between the editor of ESPN The Mag and his boss right now…

Editor: I just read Rick’s column, and…um…it doesn’t really make any sense.
Boss: How do you mean?
Editor: Well, the premise is, I guess, that Rick thinks that coaches should freak out when they’re fired.
Boss: Is it funny?
Editor: Not really.
Boss: Do you have any idea what we’re paying this guy?
Editor: Yes. And I think it’s way too–
Boss: Then run the f*cking column! I don’t care if it makes sense! (click)
Editor: (sigh)

Related content: Correcting Rick Reilly, Part 1: Rick should stop trying to be funny

Jim Calhoun dresses down a reporter

Mental note: Don’t question Jim Calhoun about his salary.

I’ve never been a big Jim Calhoun fan, though there is no doubt that he’s a great coach. My problem with him is the faces that he makes on the sideline. Trivial stuff, I know.

It’s funny how his demeanor changes as he realizes that the reporter is seriously questioning his salary. He starts off with a joke — “not a penny back” — and then you can literally see him get angry as the reporter continues.

He has a point. He’s essentially the CEO of the Connecticut basketball program, which has been one of the most successful programs in the country over the years. Yes, the economy is in the crapper and technically he’s a state employee. But to the University of Connecticut, he’s worth every dime.

This is the United States. We don’t begrudge anyone for making a ton of money if they are good at what they do.

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