Kobe puppet finds LeBron puppet dead in apartment bathtub
Posted by John Paulsen (06/05/2009 @ 5:00 pm)
Reason # 1,487 why I love The Onion.
LOS ANGELES—Upon returning to his apartment fresh off advancing to the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant Puppet discovered his roommate and rival, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James Puppet, lying dead in their bathtub. Los Angeles police officials stated there was no evidence of foul play, as the deep lacerations on James’ felt wrists appeared to be self-inflicted…
Classic.
Knicks fans discover striking palms together makes uplifting and appreciative noise
Posted by John Paulsen (11/14/2008 @ 3:30 pm)
I love The Onion.
NEW YORK—Following the Knicks’ surprising 4-2 start, fans’ instinctual boos have been interrupted by what many are referring to as “a strange, repeated bringing-together motion of the hands,” an act resulting in an uplifting sound that can be used to respond to successful plays by the team.
“It seems to be really effective when a lot of people do it at the same time,” said fan Adam Blake, 32, whose face has recently begun to contort in such a way that his mouth curls upwards at the corners, often exposing the fronts of his teeth. “It’s a lot less natural for me than yelling at players and coaches, but unlike throwing garbage on the court, the security guards say you’re allowed to do it. I guess if I had to choose between the old way and this new hand-slapping thing, I’d pick hand-slapping. It seems to be making the players, and me, feel kind of—I don’t know—good.” Upon returning home, fans were shocked to learn that emotional connections could be made with friends and family by not making sarcastic comments about their weight and intelligence and instead wrapping their arms around each other and pressing their bodies close together.
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