Bonds’ former mistress to testify that his testicles shrank

Former San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds (C) arrives before the opening arguments portion of his perjury trial at the Phillip Burton Federal Building in San Francisco, California March 22, 2011. REUTERS/Beck Diefenbach (UNITED STATES – Tags: SPORT BASEBALL CRIME LAW)

Yes, you read that title right and no, I’m not trying to be funny. (Not this time at least.)

Barry Bonds’ former mistress Kimberly Bell is scheduled to testify this week at his trial. Among some of the topics are that Bonds told her before the 2000 season that he used steroids and that she witnessed physical and mental changes that prosecutors will attribute to performance-enhancing drug use. But among the most controversial topics is whether or not Bell saw Bonds’ testicles shrink (which is a common side effect of steroid use).

This is usually when I would draw up a mock conversation between a lawyer and Bell talking about Bonds’ marbles, but my mother reads the site and I have to draw the line somewhere. So grow up, people.

That said, could you imagine what some comedian would do with the transcript from that testimony? Could you imagine what Daniel Tosh would do with it? Or Dave Chappelle? In one of his stand up performances, Dana Carvey managed to make the O.J. Simpson trial hilarious and that was about murder – not steroids, lying and testicles.

I wish Saturday Night Live were still funny because they could have a field day with this Bonds trial.

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Former Bonds’ mistress will show goodies in Playboy

Kimberly Bell, the former mistress of Giants outfielder Barry Bonds, is set to tell and bare all in an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine.

The Playboy article, accompanied by a nude pictorial of Kimberly Bell, is scheduled to hit newsstands Oct. 1. Bell, 37, said the article would cover details of her relationship with Bonds that she told a grand jury investigating the perjury allegations in 2005.

Just like any issue of Playboy, I’m sure most of us will want to skip the photos and get right to the article. Because hey, why look at a woman’s fun bags when you can read about how big of a prick Bonds is, right?

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