Category: Humor (Page 34 of 86)

Bill Simmons’ idiot’s guide to Russian Mark Cuban

I missed this column over the weekend, but it’s a pretty good read for those interested in the Nets’ new owner, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov. Here is Simmons’ prediction for Prokhorov’s first offseason:

Still, allow me two making-a-splash predictions for this summer. The first: MRMC pounces on Phil Jackson with an absolutely unfathomable offer. How unfathomable? Five years, $85 million. Yeah. That’s what I mean. Prokhorov is already on record as saying that he wants an NBA coach. Why not overpay to get one of the greatest ever? How could the Lakers possibly come close to matching that commitment? And why would Jackson say no to finishing his career in the New York area for the most lucrative coaching deal ever, BY FAR? I say the Godfather offer gets made, and I say Jackson takes it.

Second, instead of chewing up Jersey’s cap space with overpaid free agents, I bet Prokhorov trades for Andrei Kirilenko — his former CSKA star, as well as an expiring 2011 contract of $17.82 million — in a deal that won’t cost Jersey anything because Utah (struggling to find money for Carlos Boozer) could easily replace Kirilenko with its lottery pick (No. 8 overall) and a second trade. For the Nets, even if they just rented Kirilenko and picked Georgia Tech’s Derrick Favors (the draft’s best power forward) at No. 3, that’s an intriguing short-term front line (Favors, Kirilenko and Brook Lopez) and they’d maintain flexibility for a run at Carmelo in 2011 and/or have Kirilenko’s expiring deal to shop this February. And it would go over big back home for Prokhorov. Win, win and win.

That is a lot of money, but would Jackson agree to coach the Nets? I guess it would depend on how quickly they can turn the roster around. I’d say this is a long shot. But still, with Jerry Buss asking Jackson to take a pay cut, it would make a potentially huge raise pretty intriguing.

The Nets missed out on the chance to draft John Wall, but they will have a shot at either Evan Turner or Derrick Favors at #3, or even DeMarcus Cousins if they decide that he’s not crazy enough to pass up. Cousins is more of a center, while I could easily see the developing Favors playing alongside Lopez. If Philly takes Favors #2, Turner would be a nice consolation prize, and he can play shooting guard if the Nets have their eye on Carmelo Anthony next summer.

Regardless, the Nets are going to be an attracting landing spot for free agents over the next few years, especially when the move to Brooklyn finally happens. Players like to play for owners who are willing to spend to win, and there’s a great chance that the Nets will have one of the biggest payrolls within five years.


Photo from fOTOGLIF

Kenny Smith disregards my question

NBA PLAYOFFS

Prior to Game 3, I submitted a few questions to NBA.com as part of the Blogger Q&A with Kenny Smith. On the heels of two substandard performances by Amare Stoudemire in L.A., one of the questions I posed to Smith was whether or not he was playing himself out of a max contract with his performance against the Lakers.

Here’s what he had to say.

D’oh! If you don’t like the question, Kenny, pick a different one! Come on!

But I still wonder — even though Stoudemire will almost certainly sign a max deal this summer, is he really worth it?

The Onion: Fluid Just Happy To Have Had Opportunity To Build Up In Kobe Bryant’s Knee

Hilarious…

LOS ANGELES—Calling the experience “a true honor” and “the opportunity of a lifetime,” the infected synovial fluid recently drained from Kobe Bryant’s right knee told reporters Monday that there is no other basketball player it would rather have accumulated in.

Describing itself as humbled and privileged to have affected the NBA All-Star’s mobility for even so short a time, the contaminated collection of mucin and albumin said it would always cherish every moment it spent collecting in Bryant’s appendage, from the initial stages of infection to its last moments of arthrocentesis.

“Kobe Bryant’s is the knee all joint fluids dream of building up in,” the semi-viscous mix of blood and uric acid said during a press conference at the Lakers’ training facility. “There were times, especially during the first two rounds of the playoffs, when I had to pinch myself and say, ‘Holy crap! You’re inflaming Kobe Bryant’s right knee! Kobe Bryant. Not some role-playing knee like Andrew Bynum’s knee, or Kendrick Perkins’ knee, but Kobe freaking Bryant’s.'”

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