A mock conversation between a NFL fan, Roger Goodell and Jeff Pash

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell talks about the Gen Youth Foundation during a press conference in Dallas, Texas on February 4, 2011. The Pittsburgh Steelers will take on the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XLV on February 6, 2011. UPI/Ian Halperin

As they continue to work towards signing a new CBA deal, the NFL and NFLPA are in the midst of a media blackout, which basically means that they won’t share any details about how the discussions are going.

In light of this, I’ve decided to compose a mock conversation between a NFL fan (for creative purposes, let’s call him “NFL Fan”), commissioner Roger Goodell and NFL Executive Vice President Jeff Pash using Goodell and Pash’s actual media transcripts from Friday.

Seeing as how they won’t shed any light on what’s actually happening behind closed doors, I figured this would be more entertaining than just posting Goodell and Pash’s highly useless comments.

NFL Fan: Should I cancel my NFL draft party in April, my fantasy football draft in August and my NFL Sunday Ticket subscription? In other words, are we going to have a season next year or what?

Roger Goodell: We are in a media blackout. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to dodge your question. With respect to the process, to George Cohen, to the NFLPA, I think we want to continue to respect that. But we’ve continued to work hard. I think the fact that we are continuing this dialogue is a positive sign.

NFL Fan: You know what else would be a positive sign? If you guys stopped making fans grab their ankles waiting for you to reach an agreement. That would be a pretty positive sign, wouldn’t you say, Jeff? Do you think fans should be optimistic just because you guys have agreed to another extension?

Jeff Pash: I think this is better than the alternative. Should they be optimistic? They know we’re talking. They know we’re working hard. I think that should be a positive.

NFL Fan: Actually, we don’t know that you’re talking or working hard because you a-holes don’t say anything of substance when you do talk to the media. For all we know, your “meetings” consist of smoking cigars, playing Texas Hold’em and watching re-runs of Knight Rider while laughing at how the fans are clinging onto hope that an agreement will be reached soon.

Roger Goodell: We are going to continue to work as hard as we can. I promise.

NFL Fan: Oh really? You promise? You know what that and $10.50 gets us? A beer at one of your 32 NFL stadiums. Hey Jeff, I asked you whether or not fans should be optimistic and I want an answer. Let’s cut through the B.S.

Jeff Pash: I’ve never felt that this is something where optimism, pessimism, up-down like it’s a weather report is a good way to look at it. We’re talking. That’s the most important thing. And that’s a reason for optimism. Talking is better than litigating. Talking is better than walking away. Let’s stay at that. That’s where we are.

NFL Fan: Can you at least characterize the progress you’ve made in the last 24 hours compared to the past two years?

NFL Executive Vice-President and General Counsel Jeff Pash (C) gestures as he talks to reporters about negotiations with players association representatives as they seek an agreement as a deadline looms for a player lockout, in Washington, March 4, 2011. The NFL and the players’ union agreed to extend talks on a new collective agreement for another week, the League-owned NFL Network reported Friday. The chief sticking point in the talks is how to distribute the league’s $9 billion in annual revenues. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst (UNITED STATES – Tags: SPORT FOOTBALL BUSINESS)

Jeff Pash: I’m not a characterizer. I don’t know who made that characterization. I think there’s been enough discussion and enough substance to the discussions that the mediators thought it made sense to come back and keep at it. So we’re happy to do that.

NFL Fan: What? You’re not a “characterizer?” Did you make that word up? You been hitting the bottle with Sheen this week? Just tell me if there’s going to be a lockout/decertification!

Roger Goodell: As I’ve repeated over and over again, this is going to get resolved through negotiations. Not through litigation. So talking is better than litigating.

NFL Fan: Thank you! All right, I can respect that.

Roger Goodell: Good news for you. You can go home.

NFL Fan: Wait, we’re not done here. I’m not done…

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell (C) departs after negotiations with players association representatives as they seek an agreement as a deadline looms for a player lockout, in Washington, March 4, 2011. The NFL and the players’ union agreed to extend talks on a new collective agreement for another week, the League-owned NFL Network reported Friday. The chief sticking point in the talks is how to distribute the league’s $9 billion in annual revenues. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst (UNITED STATES – Tags: SPORT FOOTBALL BUSINESS)

Roger Goodell: Good news for you. You can go home.

NFL Fan: Yeah, wow, I heard you the first time. It really speaks to the commish’s character that he’s willing to cut off a fan and send him home to agonize over whether or not there will be a season next year. What do you think, Jeff?

Jeff Pash: I do not know. I’m not a characterizer.

NFL Fan: Dude, what are you on?

Jeff Pash: I do not know.

NFL Fan: Well, I thought you guys might play coy with me so I came prepared. Even though the owners bend us over every chance they get, I was able to raise about $15,000 from fans who just want a season next year. If you’re willing to answer a couple of more questions, I’ll give you this money even though I think it’s ridiculous that you would take even more cash from fans’ pockets then you already have. Here’s the $15,000 – will you stick around and answer more questions?

Roger Goodell: Happy to take a couple of questions.

NFL Fan: I bet you are. So is there going to be a season next year?

Roger Goodell: We are in a media blackout. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to dodge your question. We are going to continue to work as hard as we can. I promise.

NFL Fan: What a surprise, I feel ripped off by the NFL.

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