Simmons thinks he can fix all things sports, and is lobbying President Obama for the position of Sports Minister. This week, he’s intent on fixing fantasy football, which in my estimation, doesn’t need a whole lot of fixing. Anyway, his six suggestions are:
1. Everyone agrees on a Universal Fantasy System
Not a bad idea, but it’s impossible to get everyone that plays a sport/game with no oversight to agree on a set of rules. Simmons thinks he should be the guy who decides the rules. Okay…can I be the guy who decides what everyone drinks at a bar?
2. Everyone switches to an auction format
I love fantasy auctions and so would you if you got off your butt and tried one someday. They are more fun and more fair than the snake draft, but the snake draft is far simpler. As FF continues to go more mainstream, simple is going to win out. It’s sad, but true.
3. Keepers.
Absolutely. I’m far more attached to my keeper league than any other league — except for maybe my single auction league — and that’s because I’m rooting for the same core of players year in and year out. This year I’m keeping Drew Brees, Maurice Jones-Drew, Pierre Thomas and Michael Crabtree as my prospect (which is defined as player with two or fewer years of experience who hasn’t finished in the Top 20 at his respective position — I can keep him at the expense of a 4th rounder). I just sent Michael Turner and Chad Ochocinco to another owner for Larry Fitzgerald. (It’s a 3WR PPR league, so WRs are pretty important.) I got a 27-year-old stud WR at the expense of a 28-year-old RB and an aging yet still productive wideout.
It’s fun because you are trying to build your roster for the long haul. I drafted MJD when he was still splitting time with Fred Taylor. I drafted Turner in the 8th round the year before he became a free agent. Thomas was my prospect last season and now he’s a bona fide keeper.
The tough part about keeper leagues is getting 10 or 12 guys who can commit for the long haul — and if one owner turns out to be a schlub, it’s tough to replace him because new owners probably won’t want his keepers.
4. Safe words
Simmons says we should have safe words that we can say when a fantasy football story goes on too long. I agree, but only if we can have a safe word for when one of his columns goes on too long.
5. Ménage À Trois Week
I’ll let him explain:
But in 12-team leagues with a 14-week regular season, as you know, everyone plays each other once (11 weeks), then plays three teams a second time. Instead of those rematches, I present to you … Ménage À Trois Week!
Three times during the season (Week 4, Week 8 and Week 12), your league schedules four three-team matchups instead of the conventional six head-to-head matchups. The big catch: For every ménage à trois matchup, only one team can win (the other two get losses).
My 12 team leagues are split up into three divisions and you play the division rivals twice while you play everyone else once…14 games, problem solved. It’s almost like…gasp…real football…
6. The Backgammon Cube
Again, I have no idea what he’s talking about…
So let’s translate the backgammon cube to fantasy football and say that, other than our league entry fee, weekly matchups are worth $10 head-to-head for whomever wants in. (Important note: Nobody HAS to do it. We’re not putting a gun to anyone’s head. Both sides have to be game.) At halftime of the early games Sunday, and only then, the backgammon cube goes live. Let’s say you just had two big touchdowns. You have an early lead. You like your chances.
You e-mail or text your opponent, “CUBE X 2.”
He has 10 minutes to respond. If he doesn’t respond, you call him. If he doesn’t answer the call, cube rules are nullified for that week, he owes you the original $10, and it reverts back to weekly rules. (Note: I’m including this wrinkle just for those Sundays when someone has spotty cell reception, they’re incapacitated, or whatever.) But let’s say he hits you right back, and not only does he respond, he types back: “Beaver.”
Now the matchup is worth $40. Here we go.
An hour later, he gets a long passing TD and quickly hits you again: “CUBE X 8.” If you accept, it’s suddenly an $80 matchup. If you accept AND beaver it, it’s a $160 matchup. If you decline, the matchup is over and you’re out $160. Gulp.
The big wrinkle: Cube rules also translate to that week’s standings. Once you concede, you don’t just lose money, you lose the fantasy week as well. So let’s say you concede the cube (and the week), then your team roars back and passes your opponent by Monday night. Doesn’t matter. You already waved the white flag.
Backgammon Cube…what?
