Julian Tavarez, the combustible 35-year old pitcher showing his less-than-perfect-punching-form above, recently signed a non-guaranteed minor league contract with the Washington Nationals following a good performance for the Dominican Republic in the World Baseball Classic. This deal comes months after the Nationals had originally offered Tavarez a contract. So why say yes now, after saying no thanks in November? Beer goggles, obviously.

“Why did I sign with the Nationals?” Tavarez said told a group of reporters. “When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you’re just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It’s 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me.”

His J-Lo metaphor continued when asked if he’d like be to a starter or come out of the bullpen (he’s played both roles during his 16-year career).

“I would like to be a starter, but it’s like my father said: ‘You want Jennifer Lopez, but does she want you? No.’ You just take whatever she is giving to you. So I just take whatever they give to me.”

If you’re the Nationals, what do you say to that? “Gee, thanks Julian – we’re glad that we could be the fat girl that you take home after having too much to drink and can’t land anyone better. We’re real honored.”

If this was Randy Johnson that said this, the Nationals could probably laugh it off knowing that they’d still get 10-12 wins out of the Big Unit. But this is Julian Tavarez! Julian…Tavarez…!