In a small Midwestern town, there are two kids with lemonade stands, across the street from each other. The kid on the northern side of the street wants to sell his stand. He’s had it for a long time, and he’s done well with it, but his lime-aid stand and chutney squishee stands are hemorrhaging money, so he decides to sell the lemonade stand to recoup his losses.
Two streets to the south, there’s a kid that sells grape juice. His stand is wildly successful, and while the kid is a little obnoxious, his customers love him because he wants to give them the best damn grape juice possible. The grape juice kid would love nothing more than to buy the lemonade stand that’s up for sale. He knows that he would be inheriting a loyal fan base that has wanted the lemonade stand owner to sell for years. The grape juice kid approaches the seller and expresses an interest in buying his stand.
Just then, the owner of the stand on the southern side of the street comes over.
“You can’t buy his stand,” he says.
“Why not?” asks the grape juice magnate.
“Because I don’t want you owning a lemonade stand,” he says.
“What do you care?”
“I don’t think it’s in the best interest of the rest of the lemonade stand owners.”
“How do you figure?”
“We owners all get along pretty well, and we don’t take to your kind.”
“My kind?”
“You’re brash, you’re a loudmouth, and you question authority.”
“You say that last part like it’s a bad thing.”
“It is a bad thing. You’ll cause trouble, I just know it.”
“Well, what makes you think you can decide who owns this stand and who doesn’t?”
“I’m tight with the commissioner of lemonade stands.”
“The what?”
“The commissioner. He and I go way back. I recommended him for the job, and now I own him for as long as he holds the title. If I say that I don’t want you to own that stand, then you won’t own that stand.”
“This doesn’t make any sense.”
“Just trust me on this: you’ll never own this stand, we won’t allow it.”
“So who will you permit to buy the stand?”
“Old Man Parsons.”
“WHAT? He doesn’t know a thing about lemonade, and he doesn’t care about it, either!”
“Yeah, but he and I go way back, and he won’t rock the boat like you will.”
“I see. You like him because he’ll do whatever you tell him to do.”
“What are you implying?”
“That it is a colossal conflict of interest that you have any say whatsoever in who owns the stand across the street from you! It is clearly in your best interest for this stand to be as mediocre as it can possibly be, since it means less competition for your stand. But even if this stand does make more money than you, you STILL benefit because you share revenue at year’s end, right? You can talk all you want about how you’re acting in the best interest of the other lemonade stand owners, but let’s be honest here: you’re only looking out for yourself, because you’re cheap and you don’t want to work any harder to make the ridiculous amounts of money that you make with your own stand, which, frankly, is the junkiest stand in the neighborhood.”
“See? I knew that you’d question authority.”
The grape juice kid is fed up. “I’m done with you.” He finally pops the big question to the seller. “So tell me, how much do you want for the stand?”
“I don’t want to sell it to you,” the seller says.
“What?! Why not?”
“You’ll make me look bad. You’ll go out and spend more money to improve the stand in ways that I never did, and I’ll look like a deadbeat owner by comparison.”
“But you WERE a deadbeat owner! Nothing I do is going to change that!”
“Yes, but you’ll just make it that much more obvious. I’d rather the new buyer be someone just like me.”
“So you’d rather doom the lemonade stand to another two or three decades of mediocrity, spitting in the faces of the faithful customers that lined your pockets year in and year out, in the interest of saving face? Even though everyone knows that you’re dead broke and you need as much money as you can get your hands on?”
“That’s right.”
“Come on, what is Old Man Parsons offering for the stand?”
“He hasn’t given me a quote, but I’m sure it will be a fair and reasonable price.”
“Whatever he offers you, I will double it. Double your money. What do you say?”
“No thank you.”
“Are you all insane? How have you managed to make any money running these stands all these years?”
“Dunno. Ask our customers. After all, you’re the only one of us that gives a damn about them! Ahhhhh hahahahahahahaha!”
And with that, the two lemonade stand owners walked away from their stands and shared a cigar that one of them had stolen from his father.
