This, of course, is a headline from the good folks over at The Onion. The article is hilarious – here are a few excerpts:
“During my time at USC, I managed not only to carry a full 12-unit course load every semester while playing Division I football, but I also worked as many as 15 simultaneous work-study jobs that allowed me the opportunity to provide food, clothing, and shelter for my family with a little spending money left over,” Bush said, reading from a prepared statement at the Saints training facility. Bush also added that, on average, the university’s work-study jobs paid $6.50 an hour. “I did not, I repeat, did not earn a dime for my play on the field.”
Bush added: “I used the same focus, intensity, and relentless effort to shelve over 450,000 books as a librarian’s assistant at the East Asian Library, Gerontology Library, and Hoose Library Of Philosophy that I did to help lead the Trojans to the 2004 national championship.”
“Whenever I would show a clip and the sound wouldn’t work, it was always Reggie who would sprint the 40 yards from the audio-visual center in 4.2 seconds flat,” said history professor Niles Langford. “And since I’m a real dumbbell with these electronics, believe me, he earned his money.”
Bush said that he was able to purchase a 45-inch high-definition flat-screen television, rent his posh downtown apartment, and buy his friends the newest pair of Air Jordans by “working [his] butt off at the Carl’s Jr. in the student union, taking lecture notes for disabled students six times a week, and working the Sunday-morning shift as a security guard at Trojan Hall.”
“Reggie paid strict attention to those who entered and exited the dorm, making sure the guest policy was upheld and honored,” said dorm supervisor Alex Valinsky. “Under his watch, nearly 17,000 guest violations were recorded.”
“Easily a school record,” Valinsky added. “Better even than O.J.’s work guarding faculty parking.”
The biggest charge against Bush—the question of his family’s ability to move from their small San Diego apartment to a $757,000 home in Spring Valley during Bush’s junior year—could, according to Bush, be explained by his “cushy” job in the Student Activities Office, which Bush admits was “pretty easy,” saying he “literally did nothing for $11 an hour.”
“When I find the shoebox with all of my time sheets and pay stubs, I will be vindicated of any wrongdoing,” Bush’s statement concluded. “Unfortunately, most of these hundreds of boxes seem to contain new pairs of shoes, but they have to turn up sooner or later.”
The Onion always manages to make the absurd even more absurd.
