I think the band War said it best in their 1975 mega hit “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” (which, of course, was from the album Why Can’t We Be Friends?) when they asked the question, “Why can’t we be friends?”
What’s the deal with baseball players channeling their inner boxer and wrestler these days? If the Rays aren’t fighting with the Yankees or Red Sox, they’re fighting with each other. And speaking of the Red Sox, if Coco Crisp isn’t taking cheap shots from Carl Crawford, Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis are arguing in the dugout.
Can’t we all just get along?
Actually, no, we can’t. That’s why I’m going to condone all this fighting and push for more of it. I want to pit teammates against each other in an Ultimate Fighting Championship-style cage match and see who comes out on top. If these players are all hopped up on ‘roids, I want to pay to see them throw down with each other. (Sorry. I mean if these players are allegedly all hopped up on ‘roids…)
Below are 10 battle royals I’d love to see staged between current teammates. I even threw in one “Classic Battle” between two players that aren’t on the same team anymore. One is actually currently unemployed and facing 12 counts of perjury charges, but these two would no doubt love to throw down if given the opportunity.
(Note: I feel the need to take some responsibility here and reach out to any kids that might be reading this. So just remember kids: DON’T FIGHT…BE POLITE. Okay, that ought to cover things.)
Alex Rodriguez vs. Derek Jeter, New York Yankees
These two used to be good buddies until A-Rod took a swipe at Jeter in a 2001 article in Esquire Magazine, essentially saying the Yankee shortstop wasn’t the leader Rodriguez was. Both players have stated they have a good working relationship now, but you know Jeter would love the opportunity to pop A-Rod once or twice in the chin. I imagine the fight would be pretty close throughout, of course until Rodriguez started freaking out given the immense pressure and once again choked in the clutch.
Manny Ramirez vs. Kevin Youkilis, Boston Red Sox
Why fight in the dugout where no one can see you, gentlemen? Let’s take this battle inside the cage and air it out. Apparently Manny (or several other BoSox players for that matter) doesn’t appreciate the way Youkilis throws a temper-tantrum every time he has a bad at bat. Youkilis just looks like a bad ass, but Manny is flat out crazy. He’d probably find a way to sneak a crossbow or something into the fight.
Manager Ozzie Guillen vs. General Manager Kenny Williams, Chicago White Sox
At first glance, one would probably assume the hotheaded Guillen would have the edge in this matchup. But Williams has never backed down from one of Ozzie’s media rants and it would be interesting to see these two duke it out in the Octagon. You know what? While we’re at it, why doesn’t someone just go ahead and arrange for Ozzie to fight Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti, Tigers’ first basemen Miguel Cabrera and outfielder Magglio Ordonez and umpire Phil Cuzzi, too. There could be an entire series dedicated to Ozzie Guillen cage matches.
Carlos Zambrano vs. Jim Edmonds, Chicago Cubs
If we’re lucky, we won’t even have to stage a mock fight between these two because a real one might take place before the season is over. There’s a history of bad blood dating back to July of 2004 when Zambrano intentionally threw at Edmonds after the latter (while playing for the Cardinals) stood at home plate and watched a home run sail out of Wrigley Field in a previous at bat. Given Edmonds’ age and Zambrano’s temper, this fight might be over in the opening seconds of the first round. I highly doubt Edmonds would even get one swing in before Zambrano dropped him like Rashaan Salaam trying to hang on to a football.
Pudge Rodriguez vs. Joel Zumaya, Detroit Tigers
Now that Pudge is off the juice (sorry – allegedly off the juice), there’s a big size differential in this matchup. But don’t let that fool you. Even though he’s only 5-9 and 190 pounds, Rodriguez will swing at anything (even in 3-0 counts) and chances are Zumaya (6-3, 220 pounds) will come down with some kind of ailment before the fight. (You know, like suffering inflammation in his wrist and forearm from playing Guitar Hero.)
Josh Hamilton vs. Milton Bradley, Texas Rangers
These players aren’t at odds with each other, but Bradley has to be burning up inside given how Hamilton is receiving so many accolades this season for kicking a drug habit and turning in a banner first half (.314, 18 HR, 73 RBI). If Bradley is willing to walk up four flights of stairs just to have a “talk” with a television announcer who badmouthed him on air, you know he wouldn’t mind taking out his frustrations for not receiving much All-Star support despite hitting .329 with 15 home runs and driving in 46 RBI.
John Smoltz vs. Tom Glavine, Atlanta Braves
This might be the most boring matchup out of the fights listed, but what if these two got liquored up before entering the cage? It wouldn’t be the cleanest fight, but who wouldn’t want to see two old, drunk white guys have it out in a freaking cage? I guarantee we’d hear at least one slurred, “What? You think you’re better than me?”
Dioner Navarro vs. Matt Garza, Tampa Bay Rays
Navarro doesn’t like being shaken off. Garza doesn’t like Navarro in his face. Something has to give.
Ichiro vs. Sean Green, Seattle Mariners
This isn’t a fair fight at all. I basically just took Ichiro and pitted him against the biggest player on the Mariners’ roster. At 5-11 and only 172 pounds, Ichiro is going to have his hands full against the 6-6, 235-pound Green. But maybe he can run around the cage and tire Green out, then poke him in the eyes.
Classic Rematch: Jeff Kent vs. Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants
This fight could definitely be the headliner. These two absolutely loathed each other in when they played in San Francisco a few years back, and once got physical in the dugout during a game in 2002. Afterwards Kent said of the fight, “Just add that to the half a dozen times we’ve done it before. It’s no big deal.” Even though there would be no need to spice things up, I wouldn’t mind seeing both players choose a weapon of their choice to take with them inside the cage. This might be the only fight that actually leads to death.
