In the Sports Guy’s latest column, he transcribes Doc Rivers’ imaginary pep talk before Game 5.

First, Ray Allen wants to stop using the phrase “Big Three”…

ALLEN: Well, let’s stop using the phrase “Big Three” then. I’m not that type of player anymore — really, I’m a spot-up jump shooter and that’s it, and if I don’t have my legs for a road game, I’m useless. There’s not a ton of difference between me and Szczerbiak at this point. Two years from now, they’ll be changing my name to “Ray Allen’s Expiring Contract” unless somebody gives me a bionic pair of ankles.

DOC: What are you suggesting?

ALLEN: Instead of “The Big Three,” couldn’t they just call us “The Big Two Featuring Ray Allen?” That would take a ton of pressure off me.

Later, James Posey talks to KG about stepping up in big games…

POSEY: Look, KG, you’re my boy and I love you. When I hug you right before every tipoff, I hold onto you so tightly that it makes everyone in the first few rows legitimately uncomfortable. But everyone needs to be coached sometimes, and really, you haven’t had a good coach your entire career.

DOC: James, I’m right here. I can hear everything.

POSEY: Sorry, but it’s true. KG, listen, it’s OK to take 27 shots in a playoff game if you have Josh Smith, Zaza Pachulia and some dude named “Solomon” guarding you. It’s OK to complain that it’s stupid to be pulling our best rebounder and shot blocker 25 feet from the basket and wearing his legs out for a gimmicky double-team that we don’t even need to be doing. It’s OK to call for the ball because Ben Wallace’s dead body is defending you. Anyone who’s ever won a title, to some degree, has been a little selfish. What you do as a player and a teammate is absolutely fantastic in the regular season, but the playoffs are different — sometimes, you have to take over these games. You make $23 million a year. You’re the most talented guy on the team. If you don’t step up, we’ll either lose this series or Detroit will beat us. You need to step up the same way Duncan steps up every time the Spurs need him. You need to step up. Is it in you?

(KG turns to the camera intensely and takes a big swig of Gatorade.)

DOC: Kevin, was that a “yes” or a “no?”

GARNETT: Fine, fine, I’ll step up. Is this almost over? I promised TNT that I’d give them three minutes before the game to talk about how much winning means to me. You know, as long as I can win without going within 10 feet of the basket in close games.

Finally, Doc gives his last push…

DOC (more animated): I want you to leave everything you have on the court tonight. Play hard, feed off the energy of the crowd, and if we take a big lead, don’t be afraid to pound your chest, scream at the roof, tug at your jersey, bully scrubs who won’t fight back and do everything possible to add to your reputation as a bunch of front-running a-holes who act totally different when they’re up 20 points than they do when they’re down by three. If we lock this game up early, do whatever you need to do to get yourself some attention, even if it ends up ticking off the Cavs and motivating them for Game 6.

I’m definitely rooting for the Celtics in the East, but not because I have any particular affinity for the guys on their roster. I’d like to see KG play for a title, and I liked Ray Ray when he was on the Bucks. Rajon Rondo seems all right too. But Paul Pierce’s facial expressions are getting more and more annoying, as is Sam Cassell’s whole act. Boston fans are pretty irritating now, especially with the recent success of the Red Sox and the Patriots, so the whole “loveable loser” aura that surrounded the city after Larry Bird and Co. retired is long gone.

Still, the Celtics would draw huge ratings in the Finals, and would provide a fun matchup for whomever comes out of the West. But the way they’re playing, I think we’re going to see a certain Motor City team representing the East.