Here’s something to file under the “shocking” category: the sports world is a mess.
From performance enhancing drugs to Spygate to players getting arrested on seemingly a daily basis, I sometimes have to laugh to keep from crying.
That said, I’ve decided to channel my inner Jeff Foxworthy and do a segment called “You know the sports world is in trouble when…” Basically I’ll just take a few shots at some of the latest goings on in the world of sports.
I collected newsworthy stories from over the past week and essentially poked fun at the misery of others. Hey, it’s better than trying to make sense of it all or complaining about how the sports world needs to clean itself up. (Is it better? Maybe not. But it’s more fun, that’s for sure.)
After reading this, I’m sure you’ll share the same sentiment I do in that it can be really hard to be a sports fan these days.
You know the sports world is in trouble when…Roger Clemens apologizes for “past mistakes” but not for those past mistakes.
When I read the headline, “Roger Clemens apologizes for past mistakes” I thought to myself, “finally – the guy is going to be honest and admit to his wrongdoings!” Little did I know that what the Rocket was apologizing for was…well, I have no freaking idea. He’s not apologizing for allegedly taking HGH, lying to congress or having an affair with a minor (country music singer Mindy McCready). No, he claims he’s still innocent about all that stuff. He’s just apologizing for past mistakes. What past mistakes? Sneaking out of the house when he was a teenager? Cheating on a test? Fighting with siblings? What are you apologizing for, Roger? You can’t just make a blanket apology and expect everyone to go, “Well hey, he did apologize, so he’s good in our book now.” What’s Suzyn Waldman’s take on all of this?
You know the sports world is in trouble when…you can actually make a wager on what NFL team will have the next player thrown in the clink.
Courtesy of BetUs.com, you can make a wager on which NFL team you think will produce the next convict. Not surprisingly, the Cincinnati Bengals are going off at 5-1 odds and the Atlanta Falcons offer a good value bet at 8-1 after Michael Boley was picked up for battery charges. The Miami Dolphins are 10-1 odds, while the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles and Indianapolis Colts are all 15-1. Here’s my question: Why, pray tell, are the Dallas Cowboys only 15-1 after trading for Pacman Jones? At 15-1 odds, I’m taking out a sizeable loan and just sitting back and waiting for the next time Pacman decides to paint the town red. I might be able to retire early the next time he wants to go to a strip club.
You know the sports world is in trouble when…a freaking horse is being accused of taking performance-enhancing drugs.
The Kentucky Derby – one of the most historic events in all of sports – suffered a tragic outcome this year when thoroughbred Eight Belles had to be euthanized on the track after breaking both ankles following a second place finish. What’s even sadder is that the damn horse is being accused of being on the juice. Trainer Larry Jones can’t even mourn the death of his horse because he’s too busy ordering steroid tests to be done along with Eight Belles’ necropsy. It’s ridiculous that we can’t even watch a horse race without wondering aloud if “Colt McBronco Pony” is on the ‘roids. Seriously, if it comes back that Eight Belles was juicing, I want a nation-wide drug testing policy put in place for all professional sports. Athletes, horses, dogs, farm animals – I want them all tested, because clearly nobody (or animal) can be trusted anymore.
You know the sports world is in trouble when…the Bears draft Cedric Benson’s replacement in Matt Forte and the first thing Benson does is get pepper sprayed by Texas boating authorities.
It’s no secret that the Bears feel running back Benson might not be the best man for the job after three years of mediocre football; why else would they select Forte in the second round in this year’s draft? So it was a little surprising to hear that Benson was charged with boating under the influence and resisting arrest last Saturday, even though he knows he’s on thin ice with the team. While the arrest seems a little fishy (why did the police feel the need to search Benson’s boat?), why is he getting into any trouble? Shouldn’t this guy be doing absolutely everything he can to try and keep his ass employed? Normally when people realize they might lose their job, they turn up their performance a notch and try to be on their absolute best behavior. They don’t get pepper sprayed by police and arrested for driving a boat while under the influence of alcohol. I’m not saying Benson and other athletes don’t have the right to have a life, but the Bears are dying for a reason to cut him, so one would think he would manage to stay out of trouble in the hopes that he can keep his job.
You know the sports world is in trouble when… Ozzie Guillen has a point.
This is what Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had to say before a game last weekend:
‘’Right now, everyone in Chicago is making lineups, ‘Call up this guy, call up that guy,”’ Guillen said. ‘’If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That’s what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media — they forget pretty quick. A couple of days ago, we were the [bleep]ing best [bleep] in town, now we’re [bleep].’’
‘’We won it a couple years ago, and we’re horse[bleep],’’ Guillen said. ‘’The Cubs haven’t won in 120 years, and they’re the [bleep]ing best. [Bleep] it, we’re good. [Bleep] everybody. We’re horse[bleep], and we’re going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We’re the Chicago bitch. We have the worst owner — the guy’s got seven [bleep]ing rings, and he’s the [bleep]ing horse[bleep] owner.’’
Every sportswriter in every sports town wants to make up the lineup for their city’s respective manager. So I’m not giving Ozzie credit for bitching about that. But he makes a great point in the second paragraph about how the city of Chicago treats their two baseball teams. The Cubs can do no wrong, period. They could lose 162 games in a season and they’d still sell out every game because they’re everyone’s lovable losers – the “Cubbies!” On the other hand, the Sox are the black sheep of the city (or “bitch” in Guillen’s words) and are more quickly criticized when things go wrong. It doesn’t help the Sox that going to Wrigley Field is like one big tailgating party and therefore it didn’t matter to fans that the Tribune Company blatantly avoiding putting a winner on the field for decades. The Sox ownership at least feigns interest in trying to win and while it’s not easy sticking up for Guillen, he has a point in this case.
You know the sports world is in trouble when…every time the Atlanta Falcons want to build their franchise around a certain player, that player winds up behind bars.
Granted, first round pick Matt Ryan is going to be the new face of the franchise. But it couldn’t have been a good sign when linebacker Michael Boley was arrested early this week for battery. (His wife claims he pushed her.) Boley has quickly emerged as the Falcons’ best defensive player over the past two years and he’s due for a long-term contract extension after signing a one-year tender this past offseason. He’s a player the Falcons would love to build their defense around, but it’s kind of hard to do that when his mug shot is all over the front page of the sports section. Given Boley’s arrest and the fact that former franchise centerpiece Michael Vick is in jail on federal dog fighting charges, maybe the Falcons should do one last background check on Ryan. You know, just to be sure.
