Before tonight’s lottery, be sure to read Bill Simmons’ piece, where he ranks the 14 teams according to how much good karma they’ve built up over the last several years. Here are a few highlights:
On the Kings:
“Strangely, the Maloofs seem more interested these days in promoting the Palms, giving feature interviews, making commercials and appearing in reality shows. Hey, fellas? Quit the Dean Martin routine for a few months and start worrying about the Kings. You’re creeping us out. Also, I’d move to sunglasses in public at all times. Just a thought.”
On the Bulls:
“If this spot comes up and Chicago’s logo isn’t in the No. 10 envelope, it immediately becomes the most dramatic lottery moment of all-time. Every Knicks fan would cease breathing for the rest of the lottery. That’s no exaggeration. Whether they’d ever start breathing again remains to be seen.”
On the Bobcats:“Given that the NBA misfired so badly with Charlotte as an expansion city, watching the Bobcats land Oden or Durant would be more frustrating than watching Zach Braff make out with Scarlett Johansson.”
On the Timberwolves:
“Nobody deserves a stroke of lottery fortune less than Glen Taylor and Kevin McHale, the NBA’s version of Bush/Rumsfield for 8-10 years. Of course, nobody deserves a stroke of lottery fortune more than KG, one of the few superstars with too much pride to ever bail on a sinking ship. Either that, or they’re blackmailing him with a sex tape so he’ll stay.”
On the Bucks:
“When’s the last time you met a long-suffering Bucks fan? Didn’t Kareem flee this city once upon a time? Doesn’t everyone in Wisconsin care about the Packers, the University of Wisconsin, Marquette and the Brewers in that order?”
On the Celtics (his favorite team):
“I want you to zoom through the 14 lottery teams again. With the possible exception of Seattle (for reasons we’re about to explain), find me a group of fans who’d be more devastated tonight if they didn’t land No. 1 or No. 2. Name me a better home for Oden or Durant from the NBA’s standpoint. Name me a young team that makes a leap more quickly than the Celtics with a Pierce-Jefferson-Oden/Durant nucleus. Compared to the other perennial screw-ups and basketball coldbeds on this list, how could you argue against the Celtics’ karmic rights for a top-two pick? We’re due, aren’t we? Please tell me we’re due. For the love of God, TELL ME WE’RE DUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“…more frustrating than watching Zach Braff make out with Scarlett Johansson.” That’s some great stuff, though I took a bunch of shit from the Zach Braff Fan Club over at PremiumHollywood.com for having basically the same opinion. (My handle was Eli Cash back then.)
I do take issue with his opinion of the Bucks. Charlie Villanueva was dealing with a bad shoulder all year, so why would they press him back into service if the playoffs were already lost? Bogut injured his foot and (maybe) could have come back in early April, but what’s the point? Considering how much the C’s tanked, Simmons might be squandering some of that good karma by throwing stones from his glass house.
He’s right, though. Celtics fans are going into the lottery expecting to come away with one of the top two picks. Considering the odds are against them, I’m not sure that’s a smart way to approach it. If the C’s fall outside the top two, the devastation will be enormous.
