Because if you’re in SoCal and playing college football right now, the “boys” probably aren’t feeling too swell. The LOS ANGELES TIMES, itching for real news stories, reports that over a quarter of the team are walking around campus like they just got done riding a seven-foot-wide horse for a few hours:

As much as 25% of the team has been affected by the apparent run of tinea cruris, kicker David Buehler estimated. The condition seems to have spread by way of new compression shorts, or tights, worn under their football pants.

Tailback Joe McKnight and receiver Travon Patterson were sufficiently afflicted to spend Wednesday’s practice on the sideline.

“It burns,” Patterson said.

First I tried to make a Simpsons joke, then I was going to make a BOC joke, but instead I think I’ll just laugh. And wonder how the hell such a privately possessed problem is spreading like wildfire across the entire team.

Pete Carroll claims that itch nation was caused by new equipment, but clearly USC is boning (there’s a joke somewhere in there) up on their excuses as to why they might lose to No. 3 Ohio State on September 13.

Could you imagine Carroll after the Buckeye game, explaining to Erin Andrews why Beanie Wells ran for a buck-20 and two touchdowns on his vaunted defense? “Listen Erin, as you know, we had that rash of jock itch in preseason practice and clearly my boys were still affected by it tonight. Wells isn’t a Heisman candidate – he just took advantage of my defense having their hands down their pants all night.”