The Scores Report - The National Sports Blog » The Onion

Set Your TiVos: The Onion’s Sportsdome premieres on 1/11 on Comedy Central

John Paulsen — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 22:00:57 +0000

The Onion: Fluid Just Happy To Have Had Opportunity To Build Up In Kobe Bryant’s Knee

John Paulsen — Sat, 22 May 2010 01:00:24 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Calling the experience “a true honor” and “the opportunity of a lifetime,” the infected synovial fluid recently drained from Kobe Bryant’s right knee told reporters Monday that there is no other basketball player it would rather have accumulated in.

Describing itself as humbled and privileged to have affected the NBA All-Star’s mobility for even so short a time, the contaminated collection of mucin and albumin said it would always cherish every moment it spent collecting in Bryant’s appendage, from the initial stages of infection to its last moments of arthrocentesis.

“Kobe Bryant’s is the knee all joint fluids dream of building up in,” the semi-viscous mix of blood and uric acid said during a press conference at the Lakers’ training facility. “There were times, especially during the first two rounds of the playoffs, when I had to pinch myself and say, ‘Holy crap! You’re inflaming Kobe Bryant’s right knee! Kobe Bryant. Not some role-playing knee like Andrew Bynum’s knee, or Kendrick Perkins’ knee, but Kobe freaking Bryant’s.’”

The Onion: Red Sox announce plans to return Fenway to original 1912 conditions [video]

John Paulsen — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 23:30:32 +0000

Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions

Packers fan announces he will return to drinking for another season

John Paulsen — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 16:30:07 +0000

Reason #794 why I love The Onion…

Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season

The Onion: Staples Center collapses, hundreds saved from having to watch a Clippers game

John Paulsen — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:45:19 +0000

Reason #409 why I love The Onion…

Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game

Redskins Hold Press Conference to Announce They Are Still Sort of a Football Team

John Paulsen — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:00:55 +0000

Reason #581 why I love The Onion…

WASHINGTON—Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn held a press conference Sunday to reassure fans that, despite an inability to effectively execute their offense, defense, or special teams, the Redskins were still somewhat comparable to a real football team. “It’s been a tough season so far, and even though we are 2-4, we still have players, uniforms, Motorola headsets—all the components that technically constitute an NFL team, sort of,” Zorn said while grimacing and making a “so-so” gesture with his hand.

Read the rest after the jump.

Raiders Achieve First Down

John Paulsen — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:00:01 +0000

Reason #229 why I love The Onion…

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an improbable display of competence and a basic execution of football fundamentals, the Oakland Raiders stunned the football world Sunday when running back Michael Bush miraculously rushed for three yards against the Giants and succeeded in converting a first down.

The Raiders, who fearlessly faced a third-and-one situation on their own 22-yard-line, somehow gained the 36 inches needed for an elusive first down, despite numerous obstacles that included a professional NFL defense, owner Al Davis’ incompetent personnel decisions, mediocre play-calling, and general ineptitude.

“I cannot believe what I just saw,” said CBS commentator Greg Gumbel, adding that he was amazed the Raiders advanced the ball beyond the line of scrimmage, let alone gained a full 10 yards. “The fact that they were out on the field for three consecutive plays without turning the ball over is incredible. But a first down? An actual first down from the Oakland Raiders? You…I mean—I just, I can’t…”

“I’m speechless,” Gumbel added.

Classic. Click here to read the rest.