Redskins Hold Press Conference to Announce They Are Still Sort of a Football Team
Posted by John Paulsen (10/21/2009 @ 7:00 am)
Reason #581 why I love The Onion…
WASHINGTON—Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn held a press conference Sunday to reassure fans that, despite an inability to effectively execute their offense, defense, or special teams, the Redskins were still somewhat comparable to a real football team. “It’s been a tough season so far, and even though we are 2-4, we still have players, uniforms, Motorola headsets—all the components that technically constitute an NFL team, sort of,” Zorn said while grimacing and making a “so-so” gesture with his hand.
Read the rest after the jump.
Raiders Achieve First Down
Posted by John Paulsen (10/16/2009 @ 7:00 am)
Reason #229 why I love The Onion…
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an improbable display of competence and a basic execution of football fundamentals, the Oakland Raiders stunned the football world Sunday when running back Michael Bush miraculously rushed for three yards against the Giants and succeeded in converting a first down.
The Raiders, who fearlessly faced a third-and-one situation on their own 22-yard-line, somehow gained the 36 inches needed for an elusive first down, despite numerous obstacles that included a professional NFL defense, owner Al Davis’ incompetent personnel decisions, mediocre play-calling, and general ineptitude.
“I cannot believe what I just saw,” said CBS commentator Greg Gumbel, adding that he was amazed the Raiders advanced the ball beyond the line of scrimmage, let alone gained a full 10 yards. “The fact that they were out on the field for three consecutive plays without turning the ball over is incredible. But a first down? An actual first down from the Oakland Raiders? You…I mean—I just, I can’t…”
“I’m speechless,” Gumbel added.
Classic. Click here to read the rest.
NFL players mentor troubled Detroit Lions
Posted by John Paulsen (09/11/2009 @ 5:15 pm)
Vick burns down Lincoln Financial Field
Posted by Anthony Stalter (08/22/2009 @ 2:17 pm)
…not really – Michael Vick just got The Onion treatment:
PHILADELPHIA—Newly acquired Eagles quarterback Michael Vick was “humiliated” Tuesday after an iron he had left unattended inside the team’s locker room sparked a blaze that eventually burned Lincoln Financial Field to the ground. “I just wanted to press some shirts so I could look nice and make a good impression on the team, but now everybody is going to hate me,” said Vick, choking back tears as he surveyed the still smoldering remains of the $518 million stadium. “I didn’t mean to do it. I tried really hard to put out the fire, but when I smothered the flames they just got bigger and everything started burning. I’m super sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.” Vick, who said he did not notify police or the fire department because it would violate the conditions of his reinstatement, added that the stadium might be fine once it cools down.
That’s pretty funny.
On a related note, Andy Reid said that Vick would make his Eagles debut next Thursday against the Jaguars.
Kobe puppet finds LeBron puppet dead in apartment bathtub
Posted by John Paulsen (06/05/2009 @ 5:00 pm)
Reason # 1,487 why I love The Onion.
LOS ANGELES—Upon returning to his apartment fresh off advancing to the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant Puppet discovered his roommate and rival, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James Puppet, lying dead in their bathtub. Los Angeles police officials stated there was no evidence of foul play, as the deep lacerations on James’ felt wrists appeared to be self-inflicted…
Classic.
Knicks fans discover striking palms together makes uplifting and appreciative noise
Posted by John Paulsen (11/14/2008 @ 3:30 pm)
I love The Onion.
 NEW YORK—Following the Knicks’ surprising 4-2 start, fans’ instinctual boos have been interrupted by what many are referring to as “a strange, repeated bringing-together motion of the hands,” an act resulting in an uplifting sound that can be used to respond to successful plays by the team.
“It seems to be really effective when a lot of people do it at the same time,” said fan Adam Blake, 32, whose face has recently begun to contort in such a way that his mouth curls upwards at the corners, often exposing the fronts of his teeth. “It’s a lot less natural for me than yelling at players and coaches, but unlike throwing garbage on the court, the security guards say you’re allowed to do it. I guess if I had to choose between the old way and this new hand-slapping thing, I’d pick hand-slapping. It seems to be making the players, and me, feel kind of—I don’t know—good.” Upon returning home, fans were shocked to learn that emotional connections could be made with friends and family by not making sarcastic comments about their weight and intelligence and instead wrapping their arms around each other and pressing their bodies close together.
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