“I’m a one-on-one player.” So true — that’s both the best and worst thing about Kobe’s game.

Reason # 1,487 why I love The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Upon returning to his apartment fresh off advancing to the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant Puppet discovered his roommate and rival, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James Puppet, lying dead in their bathtub. Los Angeles police officials stated there was no evidence of foul play, as the deep lacerations on James’ felt wrists appeared to be self-inflicted…

Classic.

The conference semifinals are upon us — where does everyone stack up? I’ll also give a brief offseason blueprint for the teams that have been eliminated.

R.I.P.

16. Pistons
Click here for my brief offseason blueprint for the team that traded Chauncey Billups away.

15. Heat
One look at Miami’s salary cap situation reveals that the Shawn Marion-for-Jermaine O’Neal trade pretty much locked in the current roster for another season. Until O’Neal’s salary comes off the books, the Heat won’t have any real cap flexibility to make a signing. Next summer, when Dwyane Wade becomes a free agent, the Heat should have the cap space to re-sign their star and sign another big-name player. For a long time, the rumor was that they were going to go after Carlos Boozer, but the team sees Michael Beasley as the future at power forward, so the team will be looking for a long term upgrade at center, point guard and maybe small forward once they have the freedom to make some moves.

14. Sixers
Elton Brand’s injury threw a wrench into Philly’s plan to contend for a title this season but the truth is that it wasn’t really working out when he was healthy. The Sixers are stuck with Brand and his monster contract now, so they have to hope that he can get back to his All-Star status. Philly’s big decision this offseason is whether or not to re-sign Andre Miller, who is getting a little long in the tooth but is still playing at a high level. If the team sees Lou Williams as the heir apparent, they can let Miller go and roll the dice, but if he’s not, the wise thing to do would be to re-sign Miller to a shorter deal (two years?) and draft his replacement this summer.

13. Hornets
Click here to read my offseason blueprint for the Hornets.

12. Bulls
Chicago struck gold when they won the lottery and landed ROY Derrick Rose with the #1 overall pick. He still has a lot to learn (especially about not turning the ball over in crucial situations), but he’s clearly a “franchise” point guard in a league that is becoming increasingly dependent on its point guards. Ben Gordon will be a free agent, and although the team really leaned on him for its scoring, his (lack of) defense makes him expendable. With the return of Luol Deng and the emergence of John Salmons as a serious scoring threat, the team could move Salmons to off guard to make way for Deng to start at small forward. The rest of the roster — Tyrus Thomas at power forward, Joakim Noah at center, Kirk Hinrich and Brad Miller off the bench — would remain unchanged. They could use some post scoring, but it’s unlikely anyone strong in that area will be available at the mid-level, but you never know. The Bulls head into next season as a favorite to finish in the top four or five in the East.

11. Jazz
Click here to see my offseason blueprint for the Jazz.

10. Blazers
Portland’s performance against the Rockets was a bit of a disappointment. The Blazers had a nice season, but they lacked the toughness to get by Ron Artest and Co. The entire core is under contract next year, but Portland will be one of the few teams with significant cap space this summer. If team owner Paul Allen wants to build a winner, now’s the time to do it. He has two young stars in Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge that won’t see significant pay raises until the 2011-12 season, so the team can make a serious splash in free agency this summer or next. The team’s biggest need appears to be at point guard, where Steve Blake has just been adequate, though don’t rule out the addition of a talented big man like Chris Bosh or Amare Stoudemire.

9. Spurs
Click here for my offseason blueprint for the Spurs.

STILL ALIVE

8. Hawks
7. Mavs
6. Celtics
The Hawks might make things interesting in their series with the Cavs since they play really well at home, but the team’s road playoff struggles make them a long shot to put LeBron’s title hopes in serious jeopardy. They have the athletes, but they need to play near-perfect basketball to push the Cavs to seven games.

Meanwhile, the big question in the Orlando/Boston series is whether or not the C’s will be worn out after their epic series with the Bulls. Dwight Howard is going to cause fits down low and if Kendrick Perkins gets into early foul trouble, the Celtics won’t have an answer for him. Both teams are missing a key player (Kevin Garnett for the C’s, Jameer Nelson for the Magic), so it’s a fairly even series, though Orlando should have the edge since they have home court.

The Mavs are already down 0-1 after dropping Game 1 to the Nuggets, who appear to be on a roll.

ROAD BLOCKS (FOR THE LAKERS/CAVS)

5. Magic
4. Rockets
3. Nuggets
I don’t have a lot of confidence in Orlando’s chances of slowing down LeBron and Co. if they are able to get past the Celtics. Meanwhile, in the West, the Rockets and Nuggets look capable of pushing the Lakers to six or seven games if L.A. doesn’t bring its A-game. I’d expect Kobe to be extremely focused after Ron Artest said that he (and LeBron) weren’t as good as Brandon Roy.

DESTINED FOR THE FINALS

2. Cavs
1. Lakers
Given their (lack of) competition, I think the Cavs are the surer bet to make the Finals, but if the seemingly inevitable Lakers/Cavs matchup happens, I still give L.A. the edge due to their advantage during the two season meetings and Kobe’s stronger supporting cast.

According to reports, the NBA will name LeBron James its Most Valuable Player later today.

The Associated Press and Cleveland Plain Dealer, both citing a league source, report that James is to receive the award at his preps alma mater, St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio.

James would become the first player in franchise history to win MVP honors. He also finished second in voting for defensive player of the year.

No surprise here. Given his stats, his improved defense, the nature of his supporting case (particularly when compared with Kobe’s) and the Cavs’ league-best record, LeBron is the clear choice for MVP. Kobe fans do have an argument (i.e. the West is tougher, so the record is misleading), but their guy won last season, so he would have had to be the clear winner to really have a shot, if that makes any sense.

Craig Sager conducted an interesting interview with Ron Artest on Wednesday. In it, Artest says that Brandon Roy is the “best player” he’s played against, including Kobe and LeBron.

Artest: “They are doing a good job, they are well coached. (Brandon) Roy is probably the best player I’ve played against, to me he is the best shooting guard. Not on defense now, defense is kind of suspect. He’s the best player I’ve played against.”

Sager: “He’s a better player than Kobe Bryant, better than LeBron James?”

Artest: “He’s the best player I’ve played against.”

Sager: “Are you saying that just because he’s your opponent in this series?”

Artest: “No, he is. He’s the best player I’ve played against, outside from a guy from my hood in Queensbridge, a guy named Mike Chafley. He went to jail a couple of years when he was 15 or 16 years old, but he was the best player I played against and now it’s Roy.”

You’ve got to love Artest’s flair. His team is primed for a matchup with the Lakers and he gives Kobe bulletin board material. (Like he needs the extra motivation.) And I love the reference to Mike Chafley in Queensbridge…did Artest play him before or after he went to jail? If it was before, then he’s saying that some 14 or 15 year-old is the best player he’s ever played against. If it was after Chafley got out of jail, why isn’t this cat in the NBA?

At least three games have been played in each playoff series, so it’s a good time to update the power rankings (where I list each team and their relative chances of advancing to the next round and/or the Finals.)

Click here for the first edition of these rankings.

R.I.P.

16. Pistons
Detroit was unceremoniously swept by the surging Cavs, who won by an average of 15.5 points. This series was never in doubt, and went just like everyone (but the Detroit faithful/demented) thought it would after the Allen Iverson trade blew up in Joe Dumars’ face. Assuming they let AI and Rasheed Wallace walk, the Pistons will have a ton of cap space to work with this summer (or next, if they choose to wait). The core looks to be Tayshaun Prince, Rodney Stuckey and Rip Hamilton. Jason Maxiell and Amir Johnson appear to be ready to play heavier minutes, but the Pistons still need to add a free agent big man over the next two summers. Carlos Boozer will be this year’s free agent prize, at least as far as bigs go, while Anderson Varejao, Brandon Bass and Drew Gooden are cheaper options. It’s going to be interesting to see how Dumars reshapes this roster — he gave up any chance at a deep playoff run by trading Chauncey Billups away.

DEAD MAN WALKING

15. Jazz
Down 3-1 with two games remaining in L.A., the Jazz are in serious trouble. They desperately needed Game 4 to have a chance and without it, they…um…don’t have (much of) a chance. Utah faces a tumultuous offseason, though they can rest easy that they have one of the few franchise players in the league in Deron Williams. Carlos Boozer plans to test free agency, so the team will need to decide if he’s worth a long-term commitment or if they should turn the reins over to Paul Millsap, who was actually more productive on a per-minute basis. (For the record, if Boozer wants more than $12 million a year, and he probably will, I’d let him walk.)

ON THE ROPES

14. Blazers
13. Spurs
Both teams are down 3-1, but have the luxury of two home games over the next three, so they just need a Game 5 win to put the pressure back on the opposition. Given their incredible playoff experience, San Antonio would seem to have the better chance of pulling out a series win, but neither team is in a good position right now. Tony Parker has been phenomenal, but he and Tim Duncan aren’t getting much help from their supporting cast, while the Blazers are having trouble matching Houston’s mental and physical toughness. It would be a shame if the Rockets go on to fall to the Lakers in the next round because Portland gave L.A. fits in the regular season, and it would be a fun matchup to watch.

STILL ALIVE

12. Hawks
11. Hornets
10. Sixers
9. Bulls
After looking great in Game 1, Atlanta laid an egg in Games 2 and 3, and are now facing an (almost) “must-win” Game 4. The problem is simple: The Hawks are simply not defending the three point line. Miami has made 27 of 49 (55%) treys in the last two games. The Hornets bounced back in Game 3 and got a much-needed win. They face similarly desperate circumstances in Game 4, but I’m not overly optimistic given how the team has failed to click all year long. The Sixers and Bulls head on the road with the series tied. Both teams have shown the ability to win on the road, but they’re still at a disadvantage. I give the Bulls the better chance of springing the upset, but who knows…

LOOKING GOOD

8. Heat
7. Celtics
6. Mavs
Miami shellacked Atlanta the last two games and can put a ton of pressure on the Hawks with a win in Game 4. The Celtics head back to Boston with the series tied, and while they’re nowhere near comfortable, at least they got one win in Chicago. The Mavs have the Spurs on the ropes, but if there’s a team that has the mental toughness to pull out a series win from the jaws of defeat, it’s the Spurs.

ROAD BLOCKS (FOR THE LAKERS & CAVS)

5. Magic
4. Nuggets
3. Rockets
The Magic regained control of the series (and showed great mental fortitude) with a Game 4 win in Philly after a tough, tough loss in Game 3. Hedo Turkoglu has been struggling, but he hit a MONSTER three in the waning seconds to give Orlando the win. The Rockets are making the Blazers look like a bunch of boys out there. They’re playing physical and getting up in Portland’s collective grill. The only worry for Houston is the fact that they only have one more home game in the series. The Nuggets had a golden opportunity to put a nail in the Hornets’ coffin in Game 3, but Carmelo Anthony missed the game-winning bucket with 0:04 to play. It’s unclear how the Hornets’ near-meltdown will affect the rest of the series. (New Orleans was up by eight with 1:33 to play and nearly lost the game.)

DESTINED FOR THE FINALS

2. Cavs
1. Lakers
The Cavs were the first team to get out of the first round. They looked strong and focused against the Pistons. The Lakers are facing a much better team in the Jazz. If Utah were in the East, they’d probably be the second- or third-best team in the conference, so that’s why I still have them ahead of the Cavs. (That, plus the Lakers’ fine play in two meetings with LeBron and Co. this season.) The Lakers need to close out the Jazz on Monday night, as they are likely to get a tough test from the Rockets in the semis and could use the rest.

Every Monday, I’ll update these rankings based on the previous week’s events. One game has been played in each of the eight playoff series and we already know a lot more than we did before the weekend.

IN A BAD WAY

16. Pistons
15. Jazz
14. Hornets
These are three teams that have struggled this season against larger expectations and were hoping for a fresh start in the Playoffs, but lost by an average of 20 points. The Jazz seem most capable of putting up a fight, but they’re facing arguably the best team in the league with a superstar that is on a championship mission. Likewise, without Chauncey Billups, the Pistons are in no position to slow the Cavs down. The Hornets are the most perplexing team of this trio — they have arguably the best point guard in the league (Chris Paul) and a great power foward (David West), but they aren’t getting any help. (Of course, it doesn’t really help that West went 4 of 16 from the field in Game 1.) Paul and West have to play brilliantly if the Hornets are to upend the Nuggets.

CAN STILL RIGHT THE SHIP

13. Heat
12. Blazers
11. Spurs
10. Celtics
9. Magic
Orlando, Boston, San Antonio and Portland all lost Game 1 at home. Portland was blown out, which makes one wonder if Brandon Roy and Co. can match Houston’s defensive intensity. The Rockets have snatched home court from the Blazers and are now the clear favorite to win the series.

The Spurs look old and out of sorts — but the problem is their defense. Tony Parker vastly outplayed Jason Kidd, and San Antonio got 40 points from Michael Finley, Roger Mason and Drew Gooden. Normally, that would be enough. But the Spurs gave up 105 points to the Mavs, allowing Dallas to shoot almost 54% from the field. That’s not championship defense, folks. The Mavs got great play from J.J. Barea (13 points) and Brandon Bass (14 points), who made the difference off the Dallas bench.

The Magic and the Celtics seem like they can turn their respective series around, but Boston looks to be in more trouble. Without KG, the upstart Bulls can smell blood, and no offense to Paul Pierce, but Chicago might have the best player in the series in probable ROY Derrick Rose. He certainly played that way in Game 1, but it’s a long series.

As for the Heat, Dwyane Wade and Co. look overmatched against a balanced Hawks team. Atlanta beat the Celtics three times at home in their first round series last year, so they should be able to ride home court advantage to the semis.

LOOKING GOOD

8. Sixers
7. Mavs
6. Bulls
Here are three teams that won Game 1 on the road. The winner of the first game goes on to win 79% of all seven-game series, so there’s a good chance that we’ll see at least two of these teams in the next round. The Sixers seem to be more smoke-and-mirrors than good basketball, but they have a young and athletic lineup that can run on the Magic, who miss Jameer Nelson more than they’d like to admit. The Mavs and Bulls are taking advantage of the injuries to Manu Ginobili and KG, respectively.

ROAD BLOCKS

5. Hawks
4. Rockets
3. Nuggets
These are the three teams that look to be the biggest obstacles standing in the way of a Cavs/Lakers matchup in the Finals. Right now, it looks like L.A. has the tougher road with potential series against Houston and Denver looming. Both teams are playing well, but don’t look to have the talent to keep up with the Lakers. Meanwhile, with Nelson and KG sidelined, and the Magic and Celtics dropping Game 1s at home, there isn’t much standing between the Cavs and the Finals. They may get their toughest test in the semis if the Hawks advance. Atlanta gave Boston all they could handle last year and one could argue that the ’08 Celtics were better than the ’09 Cavs, at least from a balance standpoint.

DESTINED FOR THE FINALS

2. Cavs
1. Lakers
Given their advantage in the two regular season matchups, I’m sticking with the Lakers until someone changes my mind. L.A. looks to have the tougher road, but that may mean that they’ll be more mentally prepared if these two teams meet in the Finals. It’s going to be interesting to see if Houston and/or Denver can push the Lakers to six or seven games, or if anyone in the East can challenge LeBron and the Cavs.