Reason # 1,487 why I love The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Upon returning to his apartment fresh off advancing to the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant Puppet discovered his roommate and rival, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James Puppet, lying dead in their bathtub. Los Angeles police officials stated there was no evidence of foul play, as the deep lacerations on James’ felt wrists appeared to be self-inflicted…

Classic.

The conference semifinals are upon us — where does everyone stack up? I’ll also give a brief offseason blueprint for the teams that have been eliminated.

R.I.P.

16. Pistons
Click here for my brief offseason blueprint for the team that traded Chauncey Billups away.

15. Heat
One look at Miami’s salary cap situation reveals that the Shawn Marion-for-Jermaine O’Neal trade pretty much locked in the current roster for another season. Until O’Neal’s salary comes off the books, the Heat won’t have any real cap flexibility to make a signing. Next summer, when Dwyane Wade becomes a free agent, the Heat should have the cap space to re-sign their star and sign another big-name player. For a long time, the rumor was that they were going to go after Carlos Boozer, but the team sees Michael Beasley as the future at power forward, so the team will be looking for a long term upgrade at center, point guard and maybe small forward once they have the freedom to make some moves.

14. Sixers
Elton Brand’s injury threw a wrench into Philly’s plan to contend for a title this season but the truth is that it wasn’t really working out when he was healthy. The Sixers are stuck with Brand and his monster contract now, so they have to hope that he can get back to his All-Star status. Philly’s big decision this offseason is whether or not to re-sign Andre Miller, who is getting a little long in the tooth but is still playing at a high level. If the team sees Lou Williams as the heir apparent, they can let Miller go and roll the dice, but if he’s not, the wise thing to do would be to re-sign Miller to a shorter deal (two years?) and draft his replacement this summer.

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According to reports, the NBA will name LeBron James its Most Valuable Player later today.

The Associated Press and Cleveland Plain Dealer, both citing a league source, report that James is to receive the award at his preps alma mater, St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio.

James would become the first player in franchise history to win MVP honors. He also finished second in voting for defensive player of the year.

No surprise here. Given his stats, his improved defense, the nature of his supporting case (particularly when compared with Kobe’s) and the Cavs’ league-best record, LeBron is the clear choice for MVP. Kobe fans do have an argument (i.e. the West is tougher, so the record is misleading), but their guy won last season, so he would have had to be the clear winner to really have a shot, if that makes any sense.

Craig Sager conducted an interesting interview with Ron Artest on Wednesday. In it, Artest says that Brandon Roy is the “best player” he’s played against, including Kobe and LeBron.

Artest: “They are doing a good job, they are well coached. (Brandon) Roy is probably the best player I’ve played against, to me he is the best shooting guard. Not on defense now, defense is kind of suspect. He’s the best player I’ve played against.”

Sager: “He’s a better player than Kobe Bryant, better than LeBron James?”

Artest: “He’s the best player I’ve played against.”

Sager: “Are you saying that just because he’s your opponent in this series?”

Artest: “No, he is. He’s the best player I’ve played against, outside from a guy from my hood in Queensbridge, a guy named Mike Chafley. He went to jail a couple of years when he was 15 or 16 years old, but he was the best player I played against and now it’s Roy.”

You’ve got to love Artest’s flair. His team is primed for a matchup with the Lakers and he gives Kobe bulletin board material. (Like he needs the extra motivation.) And I love the reference to Mike Chafley in Queensbridge…did Artest play him before or after he went to jail? If it was before, then he’s saying that some 14 or 15 year-old is the best player he’s ever played against. If it was after Chafley got out of jail, why isn’t this cat in the NBA?

At least three games have been played in each playoff series, so it’s a good time to update the power rankings (where I list each team and their relative chances of advancing to the next round and/or the Finals.)

Click here for the first edition of these rankings.

R.I.P.

16. Pistons
Detroit was unceremoniously swept by the surging Cavs, who won by an average of 15.5 points. This series was never in doubt, and went just like everyone (but the Detroit faithful/demented) thought it would after the Allen Iverson trade blew up in Joe Dumars’ face. Assuming they let AI and Rasheed Wallace walk, the Pistons will have a ton of cap space to work with this summer (or next, if they choose to wait). The core looks to be Tayshaun Prince, Rodney Stuckey and Rip Hamilton. Jason Maxiell and Amir Johnson appear to be ready to play heavier minutes, but the Pistons still need to add a free agent big man over the next two summers. Carlos Boozer will be this year’s free agent prize, at least as far as bigs go, while Anderson Varejao, Brandon Bass and Drew Gooden are cheaper options. It’s going to be interesting to see how Dumars reshapes this roster — he gave up any chance at a deep playoff run by trading Chauncey Billups away.

DEAD MAN WALKING

15. Jazz
Down 3-1 with two games remaining in L.A., the Jazz are in serious trouble. They desperately needed Game 4 to have a chance and without it, they…um…don’t have (much of) a chance. Utah faces a tumultuous offseason, though they can rest easy that they have one of the few franchise players in the league in Deron Williams. Carlos Boozer plans to test free agency, so the team will need to decide if he’s worth a long-term commitment or if they should turn the reins over to Paul Millsap, who was actually more productive on a per-minute basis. (For the record, if Boozer wants more than $12 million a year, and he probably will, I’d let him walk.)

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Every Monday, I’ll update these rankings based on the previous week’s events. One game has been played in each of the eight playoff series and we already know a lot more than we did before the weekend.

IN A BAD WAY

16. Pistons
15. Jazz
14. Hornets
These are three teams that have struggled this season against larger expectations and were hoping for a fresh start in the Playoffs, but lost by an average of 20 points. The Jazz seem most capable of putting up a fight, but they’re facing arguably the best team in the league with a superstar that is on a championship mission. Likewise, without Chauncey Billups, the Pistons are in no position to slow the Cavs down. The Hornets are the most perplexing team of this trio — they have arguably the best point guard in the league (Chris Paul) and a great power foward (David West), but they aren’t getting any help. (Of course, it doesn’t really help that West went 4 of 16 from the field in Game 1.) Paul and West have to play brilliantly if the Hornets are to upend the Nuggets.

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Sure, with its seven-game format, the NBA Playoffs aren’t quite as consistently dramatic as March Madness, but there are a number of compelling storylines as we head into this year’s postseason. Will KG return in time to help the Celtics try to repeat? Will LeBron and the Cavs ride home court advantage to the Finals? Can Chris Paul and the Hornets put a less-than-stellar regular season behind them and make a run? Can Kobe finally win a title without Shaq?

The Playoffs start on Saturday, and looking at the matchups, I think I have a pretty good idea how things will play out. Granted, I’m likely to make a few mistakes along the way, but that’s part of the fun, right?

#1 Cavaliers vs. #8 Pistons
Let’s see – the Pistons limped into the playoffs, going 8-9 in March and 3-5 in April. Earlier in the season, they traded away arguably their best player (Chauncey Billups) and the guy they got in return (Allen Iverson) is (rumored to be) spending his time getting banned from the local casinos. If Detroit had held onto Billups, maybe they’d be able to make this a series, but without him, they’re floundering. I hope Joe Dumars has fun with that cap space!

#4 Hawks vs. #5 Heat
Here’s a first round battle between two teams that don’t have a legitimate chance of making the Finals. If the NBA were to adopt a single-elimination format (or even three-game series across the board), maybe….maybe…one of these teams could get hot and make a run. As it stands, the winner will have the right to face a determined Cavs team in the second round. Not that it matters, but I’m going with the Hawks here. They have home court advantage, have won three of four against the Heat this season and are simply a better team. Hats off to Dwyane Wade for willing the Heat this far, but I don’t think we’re going to see a LeBron/D-Wade matchup in the second round. (Not unless Jermaine O’Neal discovers the Fountain of Youth by this weekend.)

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The end of the NBA season is almost upon us, so it’s time to hand out a few year-end awards.

Rookie of the Year
Early on, this was a battle between Derrick Rose and O.J. Mayo, but a few other players – namely, Russell Westbrook, Brook Lopez, Kevin Love and Marc Gasol – played their way into the conversation over the course of the season. Still, this award should go to Rose, who was immediately asked to run the Bulls and handled the job admirably. He averaged almost 17 points per game to go with six assists and shot almost 48% from the field. More importantly, he never hit the rookie wall, and his fine play in April (19.0 ppg, 6.8 apg, 55% shooting) helped Chicago sneak into the playoffs. The rest of these guys are heading home for the summer.
My choice: Rose
My prediction: Rose

Most Improved
This is always a tough one. Usually, it goes to a player that entered the league without a lot of pomp and circumstance (i.e. they were non-lottery picks) that makes the jump from role player or starter to star or superstar. The last eight winners are: Hedo Turkoglu (16th pick), Monta Ellis (40th), Boris Diaw (21st), Bobby Simmons (42nd), Zach Randolph (19th), Gilbert Arenas (31st), Jermaine O’Neal (17th) and Tracy McGrady (9th). A few of the names being bandied about are Devin Harris (5th), Danny Granger (17th), Kevin Durant (2nd), Nene (7th), Thaddeus Young (12th), Brandon Roy (6th) and Roger Mason (31st). Durant, Harris, Roy, Young and Nene all came into the league as lottery picks, a fact that works against them in this case. They’ve all made leaps this season, though I think everyone was expecting Durant, Harris, Roy and Young to make those jumps. Nene is more of a comeback player than an MIP. He’s been battling injuries his entire career, so the fact that he’s playing well while healthy is no surprise. The last few winners indicate that the MIP usually goes to a player who makes an unexpected leap, so I think it will go to Danny Granger, though his late season run in 2007-08 works against him. He averaged 22.4 points in March of ’08, and 24.8 ppg in April of ’08, so if you dig into the numbers a little, his play this season isn’t as big of a surprise. Still, I don’t think that he had the same expectations as Durant, Harris and Roy, so I think he’s our guy. Mason might be the darkhorse.
My choice: Granger
My prediction: Granger

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