In the Sports Guy’s latest column, he talks about all sorts of NBA storylines, but finishes with this gem about Clipper coach and GM, Mike Dunleavy.
10. In the post-Isiah era, is Mike Dunleavy the single most destructive coach/executive in the NBA right now?
Forget that he’s a mediocre coach and an even worse GM, that Clippers fans openly grumble about him during games, that he dresses like a movie usher, that he forced out Elgin Baylor (only an NBA icon and the most beloved employee in the organization), that he clearly has nude photos of somebody important and that can be the only explanation for all of this.
Forget that he only succeeded for one season with the Clippers — when Sam Cassell was basically running the team — and screwed up the 2006 playoffs with the forever-indefensible substitution of an ice-cold rookie named Daniel Ewing during the biggest moment of the Phoenix series (when Raja Bell hit the game-tying 3-pointer in Game 5 over, you guessed it, Daniel Ewing).
Forget that he spent $65 million on Baron Davis this summer — a player who only thrives in a specific type of freewheeling system — then saddled him in a half-court offense with two centers and about 500 plays. Well done. Way to know your personnel, Mike. Maybe that’s why, within five games, poor Baron was regarding you with the same contempt that somebody’s wife would have if their husband showed up at 7 in the morning reeking of booze and cigarettes and wearing the previous day’s clothes. He couldn’t be more bummed out. It’s not possible. You did this to him.
1. A Nipple licker - shot which opens up the hole
2. A Worm f***er - well struck shot, but which doesn’t get off the ground
3. A Sally Gunnell - ugly runner
4. A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner
5. A Brazil - putt which shaves the hole close
6. On the dance floor - on the green
7. Does your husband play? - for when someone hits a short tee shot
8. Houston, we have re-entry - for whenever someone skies one off the tee
9. A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
10. Tee Way Back - Chinese for a long hole
11. A Rick Waller - VERY fat…….and ugly…….with no redeeming features whatsoever
12. Gone from Ben Hogan to Hulk Hogan - to go from playing like a God to absolute crap.
13. Putting like a gynaecologist’s assistant - shaving the hole
14.A Diego Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer
15. A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
16. A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn’t
17. A Cuban - needs one more revolution
18. An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
19. An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
20. An Eva Braun - picked up in the bunker
21. A Saddam Hussein - go from bunker to bunker
22. A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
23. A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
24. A Kate Moss - bit thin
I thought that since it was Thanksgiving (which don’t forget, is the time to give thanks) that I would lay out 10 things that I’m thankful for in the world of sports.
I’m thankful for…
1…there’s no possible way we’ll see a Big Ten team play in the national championship.
I love the Big Ten for many reasons – the physical brand of football, the traditions, the rivalries, etc. But there’s no team in that conference this year that could match up with the likes of Alabama, Florida, Texas or Oklahoma on a national stage. Penn State and Ohio State are solid teams, but if the Nittany Lions took on the Gators in the title game, there’s a good chance that we’d all be watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas” by halftime.
2…parity in the NFL.
How exciting is the NFL again this season? None of the divisions outside of the NFC West and maybe the NFC East have been decided yet and we still have five weeks of action left. Granted, there has been a lot of mediocre football being played around the league, but at least parity has bred competition on a weekly basis. Who would have thought that at this point in the season, the Jets, Ravens and Falcons would all be vying for a playoff spot?
3…rivalry week in college football.
Granted, not all of the matchups are attractive, but how great is it that Auburn is playing Alabama the same week Florida is playing Florida State? Even Ole’ Miss and Mississippi State will be entertaining and the possibility that one of the ranked schools will be knocked off by a rival is exciting.
4…the Hot Stove League is heating up again.
Outside of Opening Day and the postseason, this is by far the best time in baseball. Who doesn’t love hopping on the computer each day and surfing through all the rumors? And once your team lands one of the prized free agents, it’s all you can do from imaging your team playing in the Fall Classic next year.
5…fantasy football playoffs.
Everyone sitting in the bottom half of their fantasy football standings right now just flipped me the bird, but for those of us gearing up for the playoffs, the culmination of everything we’ve been working for all season is finally here. This is the time of year when you say, “Work? What work? Sorry boss – I’ve got to check my roster 4,000 more times before noon and then hit the Steelers training room so I can massage Ben Roethlisberger’s hamstrings so to ensure he’s ready to go this Sunday.”
6…shootouts in hockey.
Hockey purists tell me that shootouts determining which team wins and loses “isn’t really hockey.” Fair enough, but at least when I spend $80 on a ticket now I actually see my team win or go down in flames. There’s nothing more unsatisfying than a tie in sports – any sport. If I watch a bunch of players go at it on a slab of ice for three hours, I want to feel either ecstatic or traumatized at the end.
7…Manny Ramirez being a free agent.
If you don’t like following the circus that is Manny Ramirez, than you’ve got issues. And the fact that he’s a free agent this offseason only means we’ll get “Manny being Manny” on full blast over the next couple weeks/months. I seriously can’t wait to see where this goofy bastard winds up playing next year, but I’m going to enjoy the process even more.
8…humorous sports blogs.
How great is it that I can get a recap of the Cowboys-Giants game at the same place I can read about how Tony Romo nailed Jessica Simpson on a beach in Mexico? It’s a beautiful thing.
9…MAC football on a Tuesday night.
When most people see that Northern Illinois is taking on Buffalo on a random Tuesday night, they usually keep flipping until they land on a new episode of “Dancing With the Stars.” Not me. During football season, I don’t care of Texas is playing Oklahoma or Texas School for the Blind is taking on Oklahoma Little Sisters of the Poor – I’m watching it…and recording that new episode of “Dancing with the Stars.”
10…Erin Andrews working the sidelines.
‘Nuff said.
Over at his blog, Chris Cooley relates a funny story about how he and the Redskin offensive linemen get along. Here’s how it starts…
There is no better way to celebrate a win than getting grabbed and punched in the balls by a bunch of offensive lineman on the bus. Lesson learned though, if you go back and try to mess with one of them then the rest are gonna gang up on ya. To their defense, I guess I kind of had it coming…
With Thanksgiving just around the corner, RealClearSports.com ranks the top 10 least thankful people in sports.
2. Roger Clemens
Want a sure-fire way to tarnish your Hall of Fame career in a few short months? Follow the blueprint Clemens laid out for you.
First, have your name referenced 82 times in a report about steroid use in baseball. Then sue your former trainer, appear before a Congressional committee, and go under investigation about whether or not you lied under oath about using performance-enhancing drugs. After all that, have the New York Daily News report you once had a long-term affair with both Mindy McCready, who was 15 at the beginning of the relationship, and Paulette Dean Daly, the ex-wife of John Daly. And don’t forget to come across as a smug, arrogant jerk throughout it all.
5. BCS Haters
This slide could have just as easily been more broadly titled “College Football Fans.” According to the New York Times, 84% of fans want a playoff system to determine the national champion. With this level of unanimity combined with some important institutional voices — Pete Carroll, Joe Paterno and the soon-to-be leader of the free world — you might be tempted to think the BCS was doomed.
And yet, as much as ever, fans seem destined for everlasting dismay. The BCS and ESPN signed a television contact through 2014 worth $500 million over four years, meaning the BCS is too profitable to die. Moreover, it means we’ll continue to read more about the “season-long playoff” and watch a national championship determined by computers rather than play-in games.
Eighty-four percent of fans want a playoff system? Eighty-four?! So essentially the BCS is only making 16% of college football fans happy. Awesome.
As I was perusing the second part of the Sports Guy’s mailbag column, a few interesting tidbits popped up.
First, there was this commentary on Anquan Boldin’s toughness:
Q: For years, you’ve been asking for certain athletes to be wheeled out on the court or field in a Hannibal Lecter Mask. Well, isn’t Anquan Boldin perfect for that? For all the talk of T.O. and Brandon Marshall, Boldin has to be the strongest receiver in the game. You’ve got a better chance of your defensive coordinator stopping him with an elephant gun than relying on a 185-pound defensive back. Plus, the man BROKE HIS FACE. After hearing Eric Allen describe how they had to lift the skin on his face to insert the plates and he’s playing at such a high level three weeks later, is there any question that he could be one of the toughest men in the NFL?
– William Evans, Columbus, Ohio
SG: I would say he’s No. 1 on the list. The broken face story absolutely amazed me; I never fully realized how bad it was until the Monday night guys discussed it, and I ended up spending an hour Googling stories about it. First, can you imagine if that happened to Vince Carter? He would never be seen again. He would just sit in a dark room with a towel over his head moaning until 2057. Second, isn’t it weird that Boldin’s new face makes him look like a cross between Shannon Sharpe and Ervin Johnson? Do you think he’s angry at the doctor? Third, how does Boldin continue to run fearlessly over the middle after what happened to him? It’s like he took amnesia pills to forget the whole thing ever happened.
Then there’s this bit about LeBron’s possible 2010 landing spot…
Last time I checked, free agents were fleeing Detroit (Allan Houston, Grant Hill, Ben Wallace) and not signing there. And if you really think Detroit is landing a marquee guy in 2010 when big markets such as New York and L.A. and warm-weather cities such as Miami, Phoenix and Orlando will all be throwing money around — not to mention deep-pocketed Portland, which will have assembled a contender at that point and remains the most logical destination for LeBron if he only cares about winning titles and nothing else (and also, Nike is right there) — then you’re obviously in denial. Chris Bosh loves Toronto. He’s not leaving. Dwyane Wade isn’t leaving South Beach so he can wear a parka and live in Michigan. And LeBron wants to be the next Jordan and/or the most famous athlete on the planet; these things aren’t happening in Detroit just because Worldwide Wes likes the Pistons. Come on.
Wait a second, I started that LeBron to Portland talk! Here’s an excerpt from my 2008 preview for the Blazers.
The Blazers project to have a ton of cap space in the summer of 2010, when a number of stars will hit the free agent market. In fact, aside from the fact that Portland is not Brooklyn, the Blazers might represent LeBron James’ best shot at a championship. (Don’t worry, Nets fans, I don’t think that Portland is a big enough of a market for King James.)
Okay, maybe I’m not the first one to write about it, but as I was typing up that preview and got to the part about LeBron, I was thinking to myself “I have to be the only person in the country talking about LeBron James landing in Portland.”
Then Bill discusses how his picture ended up on the “experts” page of a website for an aviation company.
Q: I work for a help desk and our e-mail box gets a ton of random e-mails. One e-mail we regularly get is from Western Aviation, which sells and buys planes and helicopters. I happen to click the link which brought me to their home page, and was like wait a minute, THAT IS BILL SIMMONS!! Click on their link and check out the photo used for “Experts,” the photo is definitely you, right? I figured, as a fan, it was my duty to let you know about this atrocity.
– Mike G, Franklin Square
SG: I can’t fathom how this happened. Was it an homage? Did they just like the picture and think that I look like someone who should be selling aviation? Were they hoping I would link to them in a mailbag? Do they have an expert who looks exactly like me and imitated my photo? Were they trying to coerce clients into thinking I worked for them or endorsed them? Are laws being broken here? Should I be flattered? It’s completely inexplicable. I don’t know whether I want to sue them or embrace them. Western Aviation, why don’t you donate $10,000 to the Jimmy Fund and we’ll call it even?
THE LOVE OF SPORTS dedicates one of their latest columns to helping people interpret what their sports dreams mean.
My brother told me about this nightmare he had where Al Davis was chasing him while shouting weird phrases in Latin. He wakes up before he can catch him.
-Dan, CA
Well, there’s an important distinction you failed to mention in your description. Was he chasing him on foot or on a Segway? They mean two different things. If Davis was chasing your brother on foot it could simply mean he has a minor financial matter that’s troubling him. If he was chasing him on a Segway, however, there’s much cause for concern. Is there a history of ‘antichrist’ in your family? You might want to look into it.
I once had a dream I was Tim Kurkjian’s personal masseuse. Am I weird?
-B.
Yes.
I had a dream last night where I was trapped in a hot tub with these girls from Florida State University:
Now take out the words “dream” and “was trapped” and replace them with “fantasy” and “wishing I was trapped” and you’ll have a more accurate sentence.
How do you get a job as a NBA cameraman assigned to film the dance team coming in and out of the commercial breaks? SbB found this video at FanIQ.
Great video find today by FANIQ, which has Nuggets TV announcer Chris Marlowe (yeah, the volleyball guy) in need of some CPR after watching Nugs Cheerleader Bridget’s boobies bounce all over the place:
Listen for the little chuckle from the color commentary guy after the cutaway shot to the team bench (just before Chris Marlowe talks about the “festive atmosphere”).
At some point, a producer in the van said, “F*ck it, we’re gonna put this baby up in slo-mo.”
Regular readers might be familiar with my ongoing series, Correcting Bill Simmons. Now that I’m forcibly exposed to Rick Reilly’s back page column in ESPN The Mag, it’s time to start a new series with Reilly as the star.
This week, he wrote a somewhat touching piece about how Jay Cutler’s dealings with Type 1 diabetes has affected children all over the country. Reilly isn’t bad at the heart-warming stuff, but when he tries to be funny, he just comes off as stiff. Take this paragraph:
Shy and mop-haired, he led the league in shrugs. He looked like he had terminal influenza. The bags under his eyes had bags. And yet he’d sleep 10 hours at night and three more after practice. He lost 35 pounds in the 2007 season alone. He couldn’t concentrate. He was starting to look like the biggest bust since Lindsay Lohan. And that’s when he found out he had diabetes. Or rather, it had him.
All right, there are two problems here. The first is the statement that Cutler was a bust when he hit the league. I don’t know if Reilly is talking about Cutler’s first or second season, but he played pretty well even prior to getting diagnosed with diabetes. In 2006, he played in five games and threw for an average of 200 yards, 1.8 TD and 1.0 INT. In 2007, he played in all 16 games and finished with 3497 yards, 20 TD and 14 INT. What about these numbers says “bust”?
When I found out that a pre-diagnosed Cutler was still able to be a decent fantasy QB despite losing 35 pounds and much of his strength, I put him at the top of my sleeper QB list heading into 2008. Needless to say, that has paid off.
Then there’s the comparison to Lindsay Lohan.
He was starting to look like the biggest bust since Lindsay Lohan.
What does this mean? Is he saying that Lohan was a bust in that she was destined for big things but has since fallen from grace? Or is he saying that she has big knockers? If it’s the former, I don’t know how relevant it is to refer to actors as “busts.” They weren’t drafted in the first round and they weren’t given big contracts before playing in the big leagues. If it’s the latter - which is far less likely considering Reilly’s typically PG-rated fare - I could think of a dozen well-endowed starlets that would make for a better joke. (There’s Pamela Anderson, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayak, Jennifer Tilly, Catherine Bell, just to name a few.)
Then there’s this attempt at humor, referencing Cutler’s regular blood tests, which require him to prick his fingers over and over…
What Cutler wants to be is a normal QB, but he never will be. From now on, he’ll have more holes than a Jessica Simpson movie.
Really? More holes than a Jessica Simpson movie? Reilly can’t find another “actress” to kick around. Simpson hasn’t been in a major motion picture in two years (2006’s “Employee of the Month”), which I haven’t seen. She was in “Dukes of Hazzard” in 2005, but I don’t really remember it being filled with plot holes. (It was just a bad, bad movie.)
Maybe Reilly should take a shot at Kate Hudson, who has been in no fewer than six horrid romantic comedies in the last five years. I’m thinking of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” “Alex & Emma,” “Raising Helen,” “You, Me & Dupree,” “Fool’s Gold” and “My Best Friend’s Girl.” If you’re a big-wig Hollywood studio exec and you’re about to greenlight a bad rom-com, Kate Hudson should be on speed dial.
This is just a case of Rick Reilly trying to be Bill Simmons. He thinks that if he shoehorns some pop culture reference in as a joke that it will make his stuff seem fresh and funny. But it just makes him look tired.
He should stick to the sappy, sentimental stuff. The world only has one Bill Simmons, and that’s plenty.
Team introductions are a chance for the home team to get fired up. However, the ORLANDO SENTINEL says that the Jacksonville Jaguars took a different approach yesterday when coming out for their game against the Tennessee Titans, actually setting their mascot on fire. Apparently Jaxson de Ville got a little too close to the pyrotechnics as the team charged out of the locker room, causing his stuffed ears to go up in flames.
Luckily, he was able to rush off the field and get put out before he did his full impersonation of Michael Jackson shooting a Pepsi commercial. (I guess that makes him the Jackson-Ville Jaguar. Get it?) But I think it’s safe to consider your mascot bursting into flames as a bad omen, and perhaps it was as the Jags blew a 14-3 halftime lead and fell to the Titans, 24-14.
Mike Bianchi of the ORLANDO SENTINEL said after the game that the locker room “smelled of a dying team.” Usually, that’s only said about the Raiders, when the staff forgets to clean well enough to clear Al Davis’ “old man smell” out of the team offices. Clearly Jack Del Rio Death Watch is on.
I know there’s a human being trapped in those suits, but I can’t help chuckling when I think about a mascot setting on fire. Blame it on Will Ferrell’s character in “Old School.”
NEW YORK—Following the Knicks’ surprising 4-2 start, fans’ instinctual boos have been interrupted by what many are referring to as “a strange, repeated bringing-together motion of the hands,” an act resulting in an uplifting sound that can be used to respond to successful plays by the team.
“It seems to be really effective when a lot of people do it at the same time,” said fan Adam Blake, 32, whose face has recently begun to contort in such a way that his mouth curls upwards at the corners, often exposing the fronts of his teeth. “It’s a lot less natural for me than yelling at players and coaches, but unlike throwing garbage on the court, the security guards say you’re allowed to do it. I guess if I had to choose between the old way and this new hand-slapping thing, I’d pick hand-slapping. It seems to be making the players, and me, feel kind of—I don’t know—good.” Upon returning home, fans were shocked to learn that emotional connections could be made with friends and family by not making sarcastic comments about their weight and intelligence and instead wrapping their arms around each other and pressing their bodies close together.
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Kyle Slavin over at The Love of Sports outlines his ideas for turning around a NBA franchise.
Finally, if a player stays on our team for six years, we will completely remodel their house. Eight years, we will pay for one of their kids’ college education. Ten years, and we will name a concourse at the airport after them, and erect a statue in the players’ locker room entranceway. I don’t care if you are a benchwarmer, there must be a legitimate incentive for you to stay on our team, and reverence if you do. Remember the Lakers and Celtics battling for ten years in the 80’s? Well, that won’t happen again without a huge decline in turnover. It will result in better basketball, and more wholesome basketball players. Besides, if Adonal Foyle got to walk past a giant bronze Adonal Foyle before each home game for the Warriors, I guarantee you he would have played better.
I don’t know why, but the thought of an Adonal Foyle bronze statue just makes me laugh.
One thing I’d add - every so often, have an “Adult Night.” NBA dance teams are basically glorified strippers, so why not let them strip? On Friday and/or Saturday night games, only adults can come to the game. The dance team would start off in their usual gear, but as the night wears on, they would change into skimpier and skimpier outfits. By the last “performance,” they’d be topless. I guarantee you, every “Adult Night” would sell out and the opposing team would be too distracted to play well. It would be a hit! (Though I don’t think David Stern would approve.)
We’ve all heard the story of Mike Singletary’s halftime mooning a couple of weeks ago, but the guys at Bang! Cartoon wonder if this will become a league-wide problem. Check out the ‘toon below but beware of Crennel in Cleveland!
Even though we won’t be hearing the words, “Our Vice President, Sarah Palin…” anytime soon, it doesn’t mean that she isn’t making her presence felt in this country.
‘The Curse of Sarah Palin’ apparently isn’t going away. Since dropping the opening puck at a Blues game a few weeks back, the team is 1-7 and has dropped six straight after giving up three goals in six minutes Wednesday night in a 4-3 loss to the Buffalo Sabres.
Parents please – warn your children of the Sarah Palin curse. This thing is still affecting lives.
Full disclosure: I stole the title of this post from a comment on Deadspin.
During the Florida/Georgia game, this poor drunk girl made herself famous by losing a battle with a bathroom stall. It’s at the end, but worth the wait (and the setup).
10. In the post-Isiah era, is Mike Dunleavy the single most destructive coach/executive in the NBA right now?
