Raul Ibanez: .292-85-23-110-2
Mark DeRosa: .285-104-21-87-6
Milton Bradley .321-78-22-77-5

It’s a pretty average stat line as career numbers go, and don’t forget that he put up those numbers primarily as a DH, and he still only played 126 games due to nagging injuries. Yep, this is the man that the Cubs hoped would save them, to the tune of three years and $30 million. To add insult to injury, DeRosa now plays for the rival Cardinals.

“Let’s see, if I strike out like that 100 more times this year…I still make $7 million! Ahhhh hahahahahahaha!”

And would you look at that; now that Bradley has his money, he can’t hit water if he fell out of a boat. Well, let’s qualify that – he’s actually hitting .333…from the right side of the plate. He’s hitting .194 as a lefty, has been suspended for bumping an umpire, sent home by his manager after trashing yet another water cooler, and poisoned yet another clubhouse with his unpredictable temper. Bradley said before the season started that he had changed, that those days of flying off the handle (remember when he tore his ACL yelling at an umpire?) were long gone. How on earth did the Cubs believe him? Didn’t they see the “South Park” movie? Bad people always say they’ll change, but they never do.

So what do the Cubs do with Bradley now? He’s expected to take the next two days off to work on his approach from the left side of the plate with new hitting coach Von Joshua. A good start, but we have some other, admittedly extreme suggestions to the Bradley problem that we think the Cubs brass should consider.

Option #1: Release him
Pros: The clubhouse is immediately free of his melodrama, and everyone can finally breathe again. The Cubs are sixth in team ERA, so the pitching is just fine. The hitters, however, are tight as a drum. Lose Bradley, and we’ll bet dollars to donuts that they start hitting again. The move would also send a strong message to both the team and the fans that management is in it to win it, and that they’re willing to put the team’s best interests ahead of everything else, even if it means Hendry wears egg on his face for the foreseeable future.
Cons: The Cubs would be on the hook for the remainder of Bradley’s contract, which will hinder their ability to find a replacement on the free agent market. More importantly, pride always goeth before a fall when it comes to GMs taking responsibility for their bad contracts (see: Matthews, Gary Jr., and Rowand, Aaron), meaning Hendry is unlikely to say “My bad” anytime soon. From our standpoint, though, paying Bradley to disappear isn’t much different than the millions that the Reds are paying Ken Griffey Jr. in deferred money. Besides, who needs free agents when you have kids like Micah Hoffpauir and Jake Fox beating the snot out of the ball?

Option #2: Waive him
Pros: This is the more financially sensible move, since anyone who claims Bradley would assume the remaining money left on his contract.
Cons: No one is going to take on that contract. Bradley didn’t have a single multiyear deal on the table when the Cubs signed him, so there is no chance someone is going to suddenly want him for that many years when his value is at an all-time low.

Option #3: Send him to the minors
Pros: It frees up a roster spot with the big league club while allowing Bradley to get out of the spotlight for a while and figure things out.
Cons: He’s still a Cub. Plus, Bradley would surely have to approve such a move, and something tells us his ego is much too large to accept a demotion with anything resembling grace.

Option #4: Place him on the 15-day disabled list with social anxiety disorder
Pros: This is our personal favorite. Much like a demotion to the minors, this would free up a spot on the major league roster, while sending a loud, clear message to Bradley that management will not tolerate his immaturity for another minute. It’s like a shock collar for a ball player. Punch the water cooler? Boom, you’re on the disabled list, no injury required. Want management to take off the shock collar? Then quit being a jackass. And while Bradley may not be “anxious,” one could definitely make an argument for the man having one social disorder or another. As an added bonus, Bradley would be incensed with the designation, which is sort of the point; it’s not about you, Milton. It’s about the team. If management has to completely destroy your ego in order for you to understand that, so be it.
Cons: Again, he’s still a Cub. And even if the time away improves his attitude, there is no guarantee it will improve his hitting.

Sweet Lou Piniella apologized for sending Bradley home during last Friday’s game against the White Sox. To us, that was a mistake. There are far too many instances these days of management cowtowing to players that have not earned the respect they think they deserve, and few epitomize that better than Bradley. The man doesn’t just need to be humbled: he needs to be broken, like a wild horse. If the Cubs do not want to make the effort to break him, then they should cut him. Cubs fans have waited far too long for a title to be stuck with this clown for another two and a half years.

All 2009 Fantasy Articles | 2009 Position Rankings

The collective groan you heard when Alex Rodriguez announced that he would have “hybrid” surgery to repair his injured hip was not solely the work of the Yankee faithful. The ramifications in fantasy circles are staggering, especially if you, like me, happen to have the fifth pick in your draft.

Just a few days ago, I thought I had my draft strategy all figured out. The first round would simply be a matter of which of the Big Five (Hanley, Reyes, Pujols, A-Rod, Wright) fell to me. The mock drafts I conducted a few weeks ago indicated that Wright would be my guy, which was fine with me. The post-surgery view from the five-hole, however, is bleak. The Big Five is now the Big Four – Rodriguez is currently sitting at #49 in my draft room – and whichever player I take with my first pick now feels like a reach. However, after doing some stat sorting, I found my guy. He’s a former MVP with pop and speed. So why don’t I want to take him?

Because it’s the same guy I drafted with my first pick last year: Jimmy Rollins.

Before you Philly fanatics start throwing batteries at me, let me state for the record that I think Rollins is a damn fine ball player (obviously, or I wouldn’t have drafted him last year). My reluctance to take him is something that sabremetricians never factor into their projections: keeper fatigue. Truth be told, I’m kind of bored with Rollins. I was really looking forward to owning Wright, or Rodriguez, or someone else, anyone else, besides Rollins. It’s nothing personal; his stats are phenomenal, especially at one of the thinnest positions in the game. I just wanted some variety.

So why not draft someone else, then? Grady Sizemore is sitting at #6, screaming my name. He’s 27 – unlike rock stars, 27 is a great year to be a baseball player – and has 40-40 written all over him (plus, my wife thinks he’s cute). So why not take him? Two words: position scarcity. Actually, here are two more words: points league. I play in a league that keeps track of 34 different stats (17 for hitters, 17 for pitchers), and the combination of various hits plus stolen bases minus strikeouts, errors and getting caught stealing (once, when I was five) produces some strange results. Case in point: Johnny Damon scored more points last year than Aramis Ramirez, Miguel Cabrera and even Ryan Howard. Rollins, like Damon, isn’t as sexy a pick as he once was, but the simple fact is that it’s a lot harder to find a shortstop that can score over 500 points (there are three) than it is to find an outfielder (18) or first baseman (seven) that can do the same. In fact, the gulf between Rollins and the next shortstop is nearly 150 points. He was even injured last year, and still outscored the next shortstop by 90 points. The gap between Sizemore and the next outfielder, by comparison, is 30 points, so I can definitely get Sizemore-type production in the second or third round. It’s a no-brainer, really.

And I still don’t want to do it. Ugh.

That’s only half of my dilemma, though; what on earth do I do with Rodriguez? He had the surgery today and is scheduled to return in early May. There is just one problem: we have no idea when he’ll really return, and what kind of frame of mind he’ll be in when he does. Will the steroids talk have died down for good – insert your own “injury” conspiracy theory here – or will another wave of bad press hit between now and then? Personally, I’m not counting on him playing a game until Memorial Day, but will the other managers downgrade him as much as I am? It’s like playing Texas Hold ‘Em with baseball players. Hmmm, maybe that’s why there has been so much pious talk about how disappointed everyone is with Rodriguez because he tarnished the game, or whatever. People just want to devalue him so they can steal him in the seventh round.

But is even that a safe pick? There are dozens of other, healthier, and most importantly younger players out there. Would a full season of a lesser player be better than four and a half months of Rodriguez? Or are injuries overrated when it comes to the studs? After all, I passed up Pujols in the second round last year because I thought he was one bean ball away from Tommy John Surgery on that elbow of his. Man, did he show me.

So let me hear it, fellow fantasy dorks. What are you planning on doing with A-Rod? Avoiding him altogether, or waiting until the price is right? And what is the right price?

All 2009 Fantasy Articles | 2009 Position Rankings

Here is everything you need to know about the depth at the third base position these days: On CBS Sports’ cheat sheet for the top players at each position, they list 41 starting pitchers, 25 relief pitchers, 67 outfielders, 25 first basemen, 25 second basemen, 25 shortstops, 30 catchers…and 15 third basemen. Fif, teen. But wait, it actually gets worse: of those 15 third basemen, two are full-time first basemen (Kevin Youkilis, Miguel Cabrera) one is a full-time catcher (Russell Martin), and one played nearly 100 games at DH (Aubrey Huff). In other words, just over a third of all the teams in Major League Baseball have a third baseman worth drafting. And they include Ryan Zimmerman and Edwin Encarnacion as two of those 11 players, meaning even that number is padded.

What this means for you, gentle reader, is that assuming Jose Reyes, Hanley Ramirez and Albert Pujols are no longer on the board, you are a stone cold fool if you don’t draft either David Wright or Alex Rodriguez at your earliest opportunity, and you could even be excused for drafting Wright or A-Rod ahead of the other three. (Don’t let this whole ‘steroids pariah’ hoopla scare you; A-Rod’s gonna put up crazy numbers this year.) Almost overnight, third base has become a fantasy wasteland, so you’d be wise to snag a stud third baseman if you can, especially now that Ryan Braun has lost his 3B eligibility and Troy Glaus decided to go under the knife at the 11th hour. But even when the big names are off the board, don’t panic; there are some players that can keep your fantasy team from having a smoking hole in the ground where third base used to be.

Mark Reynolds, Arizona
Meet the new Richie Sexson, same as the old Richie Sexson. Reynolds is death in head-to-head leagues thanks to his obscene strikeout numbers – he ranked 24th in points among third basemen in one of our leagues last year, and to put that into perspective, Marco Scutaro finished 19th – but if you can live with a subpar batting average, he’s capable of giving you 100 runs, 30 homers, and 100 RBI, with 10 stolen bases as a bonus. Not bad for a guy currently ranked #244 in our draft room. A bargain pick if ever there was one, but be prepared to take the very good with the very bad.

Alex Gordon, Kansas City
Is this the year that Gordon finally lives up to his potential? For his first two seasons in the majors, Gordon has been Lucy with the football, sending his owners hurtling to the ground while they shout “Augh!” in exasperation. There is evidence to suggest that Gordon is ready to break out, though; his walks, runs scored, home runs and batting average all increased from 2007 to 2008, and in fewer at-bats (he was one RBI shy of tying his 2007 total), which means the strike zone is starting to come into focus. The typically anemic Kansas City offense is also significantly upgraded from last year, thanks to the additions of Coco Crisp and Mike Jacobs. Lastly, Gordon is projected to bat seventh, which should take some of the pressure off. Definitely worth a late flier.

Chris Davis, Texas
Another player that loses his 3B eligibility at season’s end – he’ll be a full-time first baseman this year – the secret on Davis is officially out after he posted an incredible half-season that projected to 102-34-110-2 had he played the entire year in the bigs. Granted, Davis likely would have fallen short in all of those categories (well, except stolen bases), but this should give you an idea of what kind of mashing potential the young slugger possesses. He’s projected to be drafted around the 11th or 12th round, but don’t be surprised if he flies off the board earlier than that.

Chipper Jones, Atlanta
He may have lost his fantasy stud status a few years ago, thanks to his frequent trips to the disabled list – he had five separate injuries last year alone –but even in an injury-shortened season, Larry Jones Jr. still managed to knock in 75 runs, belt 22 homers, and win a batting title. If you do draft him, you’d be wise to pick another third baseman a few rounds later as insurance, but if Jones can manage to stay healthy, he could put up Youkilis-type numbers at a bargain price.

Jorge Cantu, Florida
It may have taken three years, but Cantu finally followed through on his breakout season from 2005 with a .277-92-29-95-6 stat line. The only question this year is whether the frugal Marlins will look to their deep pool of minor league talent and ship Cantu to a contender at the trade deadline in order to save a couple bucks. Cantu’s job would seem to be secure now that Mike Jacobs is in Kansas City and the Marlins have Dallas McPherson (!) penciled in at third base, but these are the Marlins we’re talking about here. No one holds better fire sales than they do. Still, Cantu is definitely worth a middle-round pick for the home run numbers alone.

Here is our official ranking of third basemen. We left out middle infielders and catchers that were also eligible at third base because, seriously, why would you play a guy eligible for middle infield or catcher at a position other than middle infield or catcher?

NOTE: This piece was written before the news about Rodriguez’s cyst and the subsequent tug-of-war over whether he’ll have surgery to fix the problem. For the moment, the Yankees say that A-Rod will fix it through rehab, which takes away roughly one sixth of his season. We have adjusted our rankings accordingly. (For those seeing this list for the first time, we originally had Rodriguez second.)

1. David Wright, NYM
2. Miguel Cabrera, DET
3. Kevin Youkilis, BOS
4. Evan Longoria, TB
5. Alex Rodriguez, NYY
6. Aramis Ramirez, CHC
7. Aubrey Huff, BAL
8. Garrett Atkins, COL
9. Chipper Jones, ATL
10. Chris Davis, TEX
11. Jorge Cantu, FLA
12. Ryan Zimmerman, WAS
13. Edwin Encarnacion, CIN
14. Mark Reynolds, ARZ
15. Adrian Beltre, SEA
16. Mike Lowell, BOS
17. Alex Gordon, KC
18. Kevin Kouzmanoff, SD
19. Casey Blake, LAD
20. Chone Figgins, LAA

After hearing that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays were changing their name, this is what I thought of.

God anoints the ‘Devil’-free Tampa Bay Rays His new favorites; team wins World Series

No song with the word “Devil” in the title has ever made it to Number One on the pop charts, and the Almighty has the same rules when it comes to baseball. (This mandate clearly does not apply to hockey, though that makes sense now that we think about it.) When pitchers and catchers report for spring training, God will hold a press conference, admitting that He had been punishing Tampa Bay for their transgression. “I really like that Crawford kid, and the way they stole Kazmir from the Mets…that was sweet,” God will be quoted as saying. “It actually bothered me to give them the smackdown year after year, but now that they’ve cleared their name, as it were, I see big things for this team.” The Rays will win the Series in a thrilling Game 7 comeback against the Chicago Cubs, who will have a 3-2 lead with two outs and the bases empty in the bottom of the ninth, then proceed to walk in the tying and winning runs.

It is now late-August, and with the Cubs’ win today, they have the best record in baseball. The Rays are a game behind them in the win column. Incredibly, this World Series match-up still has a chance of happening. Indeed, my joke prediction has come closer to fruition than some of our more right-minded declarations (see: “The Detroit Tigers will win the Al Central”). That scream you just heard, by the way, was Cubs Nation telling me to shut the hell up for jinxing their team. Anyone who saw Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS knows that my ‘walking in the winning run’ scenario is not that outrageous.

Anyone wanting to know what tomorrow’s lottery numbers will be, give me a call. I’m feeling lucky.

No more talk about curses. There clearly never were any.

No more talk about the Yankees, and how they buy their teams. You just gave $70 million to J.D. Drew, and won two titles in four seasons. You’re the Yankees now.

No more talk about lack of respect. People were predicting the Sox as World Series winners in May.

No more talk, period. Ever. You’re now the big dogs, and as big dogs, you forfeit your right to complain about anything. If, a few years down the road, the Sox aren’t as good as they once were, shhhh. No one feels sorry for the Sox anymore, nor will they until the team sinks to Kansas City levels of despair. Enjoy the moment, but for your own sake, I would advise showing some humility. You just never know when the next 86-year drought will begin.

Two streets to the south, there’s a kid that sells grape juice. His stand is wildly successful, and while the kid is a little obnoxious, his customers love him because he wants to give them the best damn grape juice possible. The grape juice kid would love nothing more than to buy the lemonade stand that’s up for sale. He knows that he would be inheriting a loyal fan base that has wanted the lemonade stand owner to sell for years. The grape juice kid approaches the seller and expresses an interest in buying his stand.

Just then, the owner of the stand on the southern side of the street comes over.

“You can’t buy his stand,” he says.
“Why not?” asks the grape juice magnate.
“Because I don’t want you owning a lemonade stand,” he says.
“What do you care?”
“I don’t think it’s in the best interest of the rest of the lemonade stand owners.”
“How do you figure?”
“We owners all get along pretty well, and we don’t take to your kind.”
“My kind?”
“You’re brash, you’re a loudmouth, and you question authority.”
“You say that last part like it’s a bad thing.”
“It is a bad thing. You’ll cause trouble, I just know it.”
“Well, what makes you think you can decide who owns this stand and who doesn’t?”
“I’m tight with the commissioner of lemonade stands.”
“The what?”
“The commissioner. He and I go way back. I recommended him for the job, and now I own him for as long as he holds the title. If I say that I don’t want you to own that stand, then you won’t own that stand.”
“This doesn’t make any sense.”
“Just trust me on this: you’ll never own this stand, we won’t allow it.”
“So who will you permit to buy the stand?”
“Old Man Parsons.”
“WHAT? He doesn’t know a thing about lemonade, and he doesn’t care about it, either!”
“Yeah, but he and I go way back, and he won’t rock the boat like you will.”
“I see. You like him because he’ll do whatever you tell him to do.”
“What are you implying?”
“That it is a colossal conflict of interest that you have any say whatsoever in who owns the stand across the street from you! It is clearly in your best interest for this stand to be as mediocre as it can possibly be, since it means less competition for your stand. But even if this stand does make more money than you, you STILL benefit because you share revenue at year’s end, right? You can talk all you want about how you’re acting in the best interest of the other lemonade stand owners, but let’s be honest here: you’re only looking out for yourself, because you’re cheap and you don’t want to work any harder to make the ridiculous amounts of money that you make with your own stand, which, frankly, is the junkiest stand in the neighborhood.”
“See? I knew that you’d question authority.”
The grape juice kid is fed up. “I’m done with you.” He finally pops the big question to the seller. “So tell me, how much do you want for the stand?”
“I don’t want to sell it to you,” the seller says.
“What?! Why not?”
“You’ll make me look bad. You’ll go out and spend more money to improve the stand in ways that I never did, and I’ll look like a deadbeat owner by comparison.”
“But you WERE a deadbeat owner! Nothing I do is going to change that!”
“Yes, but you’ll just make it that much more obvious. I’d rather the new buyer be someone just like me.”
“So you’d rather doom the lemonade stand to another two or three decades of mediocrity, spitting in the faces of the faithful customers that lined your pockets year in and year out, in the interest of saving face? Even though everyone knows that you’re dead broke and you need as much money as you can get your hands on?”
“That’s right.”
“Come on, what is Old Man Parsons offering for the stand?”
“He hasn’t given me a quote, but I’m sure it will be a fair and reasonable price.”
“Whatever he offers you, I will double it. Double your money. What do you say?”
“No thank you.”
“Are you all insane? How have you managed to make any money running these stands all these years?”
“Dunno. Ask our customers. After all, you’re the only one of us that gives a damn about them! Ahhhhh hahahahahahahaha!”

And with that, the two lemonade stand owners walked away from their stands and shared a cigar that one of them had stolen from his father.