It’s draft day, 2009, and you’ve just arrived at your buddy Phil’s house for your league’s fantasy draft. Fat ass Tank is already there.
Tank: Where’s your guy?
You: Should be here any minute.
Tank: He’s solid?
You: Yeah, I guess. He’s my long-lost uncle. I met him at our family reunion last month. He said if I knew of any fantasy leagues to let him know.
Phil: I can’t believe Ken’s wife forbade him to play the day before the draft. She forbade him.
There’s a knock on the door.
Tank: That’s your guy?
Phil answers the door. It’s your Uncle Nostradamus.
Nostradamus: What up, playas?
Tank: Nice beard.
Phil: Thanks for filling in last minute.
Nostradamus: No worries. Where is everyone?
Tank: We’ve got them on speakerphone.
Nostradamus: Sweet. Let’s do this. What’s my pick?
Phil: Well, Ken – the man with no testicles — had the #1 overall pick, so you get to go first. You know how to play?
Nostradamus: Is this a PPR league?
Phil: Yep. 18 rounds. You’re up.
For every pick Nostradamus stands up and proclaims his selection like he’s David Stern at the NBA Draft.
Nostradamus: With the first overall pick in the draft, I select Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee.
There’s laughter on the speakerphone.
Tank: No Adrian Peterson or Maurice Jones-Drew?
Nostradamus: Nope. I’m predicting 2300 yards and 14 TD through Week 16.
Tank: You know LenDale White is still there.
The draft proceeds and AP, MJD, Forte, Turner, Steven Jackson, LT2, Fitz, AJ, DeAngelo, Randy Moss, Slaton, Gore, Calvin, Brees, Westy, Brady, Wayne, Boldin, Barber, Portis, Smith 1.0 and Greg Jennings are all taken.
Nostradamus stands up.
Nostradamus: With the final pick in the second round, I select Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay.
Tank: You’re taking Rodgers over Peyton Manning?
Nostradamus: Yep – I’m projecting at least 4200 yards and 33 TD, including four rush TD. The kid is going to the Pro Bowl. Manning isn’t even going to play a full game in Week 16.
Phil: All right, what’s your next pick?
Nostradamus: With the first pick in the third round, I select Wes Welker, WR, Patriots.
Phil: That’s reasonable.
Nostradamus: Thanks, but I’m not going to start him in Week 15. He’s going to struggle against Buffalo.
Phil: Um, okay.
The draft moves on and Brandon Jacobs, Peyton, Roddy White, Ronnie Brown, Bush, Colston, Bowe, Pierre, Kevin Smith, TO, Grant, Marshall, Witten, Housh, Ochocinco, Roy Williams, Warner, Gates, Lynch, Rivers, McFadden and Anthony Gonzalez are drafted.
After Tank takes Gonzalez, Nostradamus chuckles.
Nostradamus: Nothing. Anthony Gonzalez is a solid pick. I just have this image in my head…
Photo from fOTOGLIF
Tank: Of what?
Nostradamus: Nothing. (chuckles again)
Phil: You’re up.
He rises again.
Nostradamus: With the last pick in the fourth round, I select Ray Rice, RB, Ravens.
Tank: You know Baltimore is a RBBC, right?
Nostradamus: I know it’s supposed to be a RBBC, but I’m projecting 1,900 yards and eight scores for Rice. He’s going to catch at least 74 passes this season. He’s golden in a PPR league.
Tank: What about McGahee?
Nostradamus: He’ll get off to a nice start, but suddenly fall off a cliff.
Phil: What’s your next pick?
Nostradamus: With the first pick in the fifth round, I select Dallas Clark, TE, Colts. Top TE this season.
Phil: I guess I could see that.
The draft proceeds and Braylon, Knowshon, Derrick Ward, Addai, Gonzo, TJ, Vincent Jackson, Romo, Larry Johnson –-
— Holmes, McNabb, Bryant, DeSean, Eddie Royal –-
He chuckles again.
— Fast Willie, Beanie, Jonathan Stewart, Driver, Lee Evans, Matt Ryan, Schaub and Jay Cutler all go.
He stands up.
Nostradamus: With the last pick in the sixth round, I select Ricky Williams, RB, Dolphins. Both of my RBs have a bye in Week 7 and he’s going to score three times against the Saints that week. I probably won’t even have to start another RB.
Tank: Yeah, yeah. Whatever, ZZ Top. What’s your next pick?
Nostradamus: With the first pick in the seventh round, I select Brent Celek, TE, Eagles.
More laughter on the speakerphone.
Nostradamus: Laugh if you want, but he’s going to rack up 69 catches for 875 yards and eight touchdowns this year, and he’s going to have a big Week 16 when my starter – Clark – is only going to play half the game. Otherwise, I’d go with Vernon Davis, but he’s going to tail off at the end of the season.
Phil: You think Vernon Davis is going to have a good year?
Nostradamus: Big time.
As the draft proceeds, Nostradamus starts to scribble furiously on a pad of paper. Santana Moss, Cotch, Cooley, Lance Moore, Olsen, Palmer, Felix, Hines, Avery, Winslow, Big Ben, Berrian, Jamal Lewis, Julius Jones, Daniels, Donald Brown, Holt, Walter, Lendale, Leon Washington, Hester and Cassel are taken.
Nostradamus: All right, I gotta bounce. I’m going to take Steve Smith 2.0 and Darren Sproles here and my nephew will have the rest of my picks.
He hands you a folded piece of paper.
You: Um, okay.
Phil: Wait, what’s your team name?
Nostradamus: (he stares at Tank) How about Just Got Paid, in honor of the ZZ Top song?
Phil: What about your dues?
Nostradamus: My nephew has me covered. Late!
Tank: Who is that guy?
You open the piece of paper. It reads:
Please make the following selections in the corresponding rounds. I am sure they will be available:
10th – Sidney Rice (77-1200-6)
11th – Jamaal Charles (123 yards, 0.9 TD last seven weeks)
12th – Mike Sims-Walker (61-847-7)
13th – Jerome Harrison (446 yards, 4 TD in W15-W16)
14th – Miles Austin (74-1230-11)
15th – Saints DT
16th – Chad Henne (241 yards, 2 TDs during Rodgers’ bye)
17th – Matt Moore (171 yards, 3 TDs in W16)
18th – Tank’s momma.
By the way, I’m going to run without a kicker for the entire season and still win this league. Eat it.
Uncle Nostradamus’s final roster:
QB: Rodgers, Henne, Moore
RB: C. Johnson, R. Rice, R. Williams, Sproles, Charles, Harrison
WR: Welker, Smith 2.0, Austin, S. Rice, Sims-Walker
TE: Clark, Celek