From Merriam-Webster.com…

uniform

adj.

1 : having always the same form, manner, or degree : not varying or variable

n.

1. : dress of a distinctive design or fashion worn by members of a particular group and serving as a means of identification ; broadly : distinctive or characteristic clothing

Juan Pierre is my hero. I instantly regret having that thought as I neither believe it nor do I want to lose any credibility as a writer. It’s just that, for the purposes of this piece, Pierre exemplifies what I feel is the perfect uniform attire. In his ten years as a professional baseball player, Pierre has been on five clubs yet always dressed exactly the same despite working with different material, jersey cuts, and color combinations. We’ll use his style with his current team, the Dodgers, as an example. Given the Dodgers white/blue combination, Pierre chooses to wear blue gloves, blue cleats, and blue socks, which I might add, he fully displays by hiking his pants up to his knees. Perhaps I get a kick out of Pierre so much because he dresses like my teams used to do in little league — but what purer form of baseball is there than that? Not only does he look like an anxious pre-teen out on the field, but he usually wears his cap under his helmet when he bats, which little leaguers must do because of the awkward size and feel of the helmets.

Pierre’s style harkens back to an earlier baseball era, when uniforms made the player look trim and clean cut, not sloppy and careless. The only thing Pierre’s getup is missing is a pair of stirrups, but I think Jamie Moyer is the only one advanced enough to pull those off. Point is, Pierre dresses in a classy and non-distracting manner that would make a manager like Tony La Russa or Joe Torre proud. Nowadays, players make so many adjustments to their attire that a team’s uniform is anything but, and quite frankly, it’s irritating.

Extra Armor

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know they’re injury prone and I understand that you have them on your fantasy team, but they’re facing a pitcher, not the Knights of the Round Table. The amount of elbow pads, shin guards, and armbands Barry Bonds wore was straight up laughable. Early 1900s badasses such as Ty Cobb and Jimmie Foxx are spinning in their graves. These guys stepped into the batter’s box without any batting gloves or a helmet, and they still owned pitchers throwing just as hard as they do today. The cup is protection enough, so prove that you need one: grow a pair, take off the rollerblade equipment, and hit the ball.

Takin’ it Easy

When did ballplayers start dressing like the guy sitting next to me at the game? You know that guy – he’s got on his Manny Ramirez jersey, top button undone, hat askew, dreadlocks touching my arm. All right, I made that last part up, but I think this image is slowly becoming the modern style of dress in the MLB. Players simply don’t look like they’re at a job, which is how they should approach it considering the vast amounts money they receive. Look, I love Matt Kemp, but I don’t know how he expects to become the next 40-40 man wearing those two pairs of garbage bags stitched together he calls baseball pants. With loose-fitting pants dragging like that against the field, it obviously has to slow down one’s running, unlike the aerodynamic knee-highs sported by Pierre. Just tighten it up, guys. Try to match and look like a team.

What a Waste

Last week, every single player in professional baseball honored Jackie Robinson by wearing number 42 on the back of their jersey. Every. Single. Player. Believe me, it was a nice gesture, but I think a “42” on the back of their hats would have been just fine. So many of these players are going to be traded or sent down to the minors and never have use for this jersey again. Yes, it will be another memento in the trophy room, but I think a cheaper alternative would have sufficed. Here’s hoping they do the same again next year and the players will just wear them again. And I mention cheaper because the full uniforms athletes wear cost a pretty penny. As someone who has purchased both a league-worn jersey and hat, I can tell you that Majestic and New Era are doing just fine. So please, put this money back into the hands of the fans by lowering concessions and ticket prices. The Padres do not have to wear army fatigued-themed jerseys for one game. They are hideous to look at and the players will never get enough use out of them. Let the troops on leave get in free to the game; have the players wear a commemorative patch of some sort. Also, don’t have the Astros wear green hats as a way to remind people to be environmentally conscious. What better way to remind baseball fans to recycle and conserve than knowing that Roy Oswalt is going to throw away that disgusting puke-green hat right after the game.

OK. I think I’ve blown off enough steam by now. Now I’m going to go put on my Alex Rodriguez Texas Rangers jersey and lay down.